Oh my aching. . .

This getting healthy thing is a pain in the ass.  Don't get me wrong, I want to do this, and I definitely need to do this, but I had kinda forgotten that it is actually a lot of work! It requires planning and forethought, not exactly my superpowers ( those tend to be more in the areas of BS detecting and identifying the sketch factor in the boyfriends of the lovely women I work with.  But I digress. . .)

Case in point, I now have to actually THINK about what food I put in my mouth  - no more random snacks and mindless ( and carefree!) eating.  I also have to find the appropriate balance between being mindful and being a crazy psycho woman who is addicted to the food tracker on my crapberry.  There IS a happy medium, I am sure of it.  Now to find it. . .

I also am back to packing my lunch, rather than using the "I don't have a lunch" excuse to eat those tasty treats of the devil known as french fries.  This also means I have to actually THINK (there's that word again!) about what I want for lunch and prepare it in advance!  No more excuses.  Sigh.

And then there is the little thing called exercise - in my cutesy moments I call it "Fitting in Fitness", which pretty much makes me want to throw up.  I do need to figure out how to fit it in - so easy to give it a pass at the end of the day and mornings are pretty challenging.  I am currently walking at lunch.  Grudgingly, very grudgingly.  ( I am still pouting that I cannot run, but that is a story for another post. . you are welcome!)

I am slowly improving - not perfect by any stretch, but I am getting back in the rhythm of living a healthier lifestyle.  Yes, it is indeed a pain in my rather large butt, however, it is always better to be sore from doing something, instead of nothing!  At least that is my story, and I am sticking to it!

Happy New Year. . .

Fall is a time for new beginnings.  The changing leaves, the start of school, the return to routine after a carefree summer - all of these signal a time of renewal for me, even more so that the actual new year, or even the newness of spring.  I am need of a fresh start, and now is as good a time as any, and perhaps the perfect time.

I admit it, I have been struggling.  Trying to stay positive, pretending not to notice how tight my clothes have become, how the effects of prednisone are revealing themselves in my ever expanding body, feeling defeated, and sore and tired.  SO very tired.  I hate feeling this way.  I don't like pasting on a smile and pretending that things will all be well, when deep inside I feel as though they will never again be truly "well".  I hate being that miserable, sorry for herself fat chick that doesn't exercise and eats to hide her feelings.  Been there, done that.  It's time for a change.  A fresh start.  Refocus.

So, I am back blogging.  It is a start.  It helps me stay focused on getting healthy.  I talked with a dietitian today, who politely pointed out that I am clearly overeating, and that only some of the weight gain can be attributed to drugs.  Damn her honesty!  She is right, and helped me to identify areas that need changes, and we began to design a path to make that happen.  Aquafit beckons.  I need to pull up my (very!) big girl panties and join the old gals at the pool.  And move a bit more everyday, even if I still hurt, even thought the multitude of medications I am taking (5 for RA, see below) aren't quite working just yet. They will.  I have to trust that.  And if they don't, I will have to try something else.

So Happy New Year!  Thanks for hanging in with me during the season of misery.  Hopefully, my humour will return when I get my ass off the couch.  Maybe you want to join me - a fresh start is always a good thing - a return to a fitness routine lost through the summer, or back to healthy eating after a summer of treats.  Maybe you want to quit smoking - why wait til January?  It is a new year today - let's start today.  I will if you will.

Now I am off to toast the New Year with a glass of something sparkling, that may or may not be champagne.  I am not telling!

Change is good, no really. . .

It has been a very long while since I posted.  Some of it is because I have just been busy and life has been full.  But a big part has been about what do I say?  I mean, this is supposed to be an inspirational blog that focuses on my journey to health.  And I haven't been feeling particularly healthy, and I certainly don't think I am inspirational in any way.  Especially lately.

Change is a difficult thing.  We say we want it, but when it comes right down to it, what we actually want is not  real change at all. We want all the surface changes - skinnier thighs, flatter stomach, less wrinkles, a happier life. . . but the real change, the deep, life altering change that shakes us to the core and reminds us of all the things we have been running from - now that is the kind of change that often remains elusive.

In May I was officially diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis - an autoimmune arthritis that is just not your grandma's arthritis.  It affects not only joints, but internal organs and eyes, and causes fatigue that is so far past tired it is hard to imagine.  I was not ready to hear it.  Even though it was "expected", it still slammed me.
And I was more than a little overwhelmed.  Try completely pissed off, frustrated and indignant.  After all - I had worked all of last year to "get healthy" - to lose some weight, to train for a half marathon, to feel good.  And now this.  The inevitable "why me?" crept in to my thoughts.

I am a few months past that now.  And although I can't answer "why me?", every day I am understanding more about myself, and this disease and what true health is.  And it ain't about a flat belly ( although that would be super fantastic!)

I have had to adjust my life - my priorities, my choices, balancing my energy and focusing on the things that are really important.  I get too tired to waste time on crap that is not truly a priority.  My awesome family, good friends, meaningful work, singing, coaching ball - these are the things that bring me joy and life and positive energy.  So that is where I put my time now.  I have learned to say "no" more often, and to put my feet up when I need to.  I am relearning how to eat healthy and focus on moving my body, not to get skinnier, but rather to improve my well being.  Despite the nasty drugs that make me pile on the weight I lost, and give me a lovely round moon face, I am trying to look at myself in a more holistic way, and to listen to my body.  Change my thinking, change my focus.  Real meaningful change that will actually improve my life and my health.  It is good.

I still get grumpy, I still wish I was training for a half marathon and not walking like an old lady and forcing myself to get to the pool and swim a lap or two.  I still choose to eat things that are bad for me.  But I am making healthy choices more often than unhealthy ones.  It is a winding path. This too is good.

So I have come to the conclusion that change is good - no really, it is.  Life is good, too.
And getting better each day.