Motivation, where art thou???

I am back - no, I really mean it this time.  I have been a bit of a blogging slacker, along with a bit of a workout slacker, and a general engaging in life slacker.  Not cool, but true.

This thing about staying motivated over the long haul is that it is kind of a pain in the ass.  Actually it is not KIND OF a pain in the ass.  It is a gigantic pain in the ass.  Imagine expecting me to stick with this not just for a week or two, or a month or six, but well, forever.  Surprisingly, this is hard work - even harder now than at the beginning, when I was full of wide eyed wonder and excitement.

I am down 44 pounds and about 43 inches.  The equivalent of your average 6 year old ( 46 pounds and 42 inches tall!)  OMG - I 've lost an entire 6 year old child! How the hell did THAT happen?
Some people are starting to really notice, which is good, and weird and embarrassing.  Others seem blissfully unaware of the fact that I HAVE LOST THE EQUIVALENT OF A SIX YEAR OLD CHILD!  Come on now - that has got to be worth a compliment or two - you know who you are! ( And if you don't, you should - you really should!)

This love/hate relationship with compliments is just one of the things I am trying to figure out as I learn to live into this new-ish body of mine.  This should help me stay motivated, but it really doesn't - I am one of those people that really needs to be internally motivated to get off my butt.  Frankly, the feeling unwell thing is getting a little tired, so I need to regroup and refocus on what my goals are and reset my intention to live this lifestyle everyday - even when I am tired, sick or just too darn lazy.

It is really great to hear compliments ( and thank you - it is very nice of you!), and the fact that people are noticing my weight loss is great, but ultimately, it is up to me to keep this going, and no amount of compliments are going to keep me eating clean and working out.  Only I can do that ( which is quite unfortunate, because the other way seems much friendlier, and a LOT less work for me!)

Tomorrow I leave for a four week vacation - starting with presenting at a Doula Conference in Cancun ( can you say holy crap I have to wear a bathing suit in public!), followed by family time in Alberta, leading a mixed media course at Naramata Centre, and more family time in the Okanagan,.

It will be busy, but lots of fun and time for learning and reconnecting with family and friends.  I will be working out on the road, and posting pics and hopefully videos of my workout adventures as I go - I figure this will keep me somewhat accountable and on track while away.  It should be pretty hilarious actually, since I am completely lacking in technical abilities, and I hate seeing myself on film or in photos.  (Yes, I know -  this is a topic for another blog post, or therapy, or both!)

So stay tuned - I have another 6 months of this year of transformation - and a lifetime of living healthy. Thanks for sticking with me so far -  here's to the next leg of the journey!!!

Back in the land of the living. . .

I know, I know - it has been almost a MONTH since my last blog post.  I have a good excuse ( or excuses) -  really.

You know when you have these amazing plans and goals and you are super stoked to achieve them?  Such a great feeling to have goals and have a plan for reaching them.  That is how I was feeling at the beginning of June.  What a different a month makes!

June began with the continutation of a nagging back injury.  This sucked, but did not seem insurmountable.  This was followed by the discovery of a small, unusual mole on my shoulder, which had to removed and biopsied on really short notice.  Fortunately, everything was ok - it turned out to be nothing too serious, and because they were able to remove all of it, I felt truly blessed to have not had to face something much more serious and scary. 

During all of this, I gotta say my motivation was waning - trying to keep up with workouts and my healthy eating plan was really tough.  I fell off the wagon, more than once.  My self confidence felt like it was at an all time low.  I was disappointed in my progress, and really disappointed in myself.
I struggled with quitting - I wanted to - but was scared of dispoointing people, afraid of failing.  Not a happy place.

In the midst of this unhappy place, I developed an infection in my colon, caused by diverticular disease.  I hadn't had an attack for two years, and in spite of my healthy lifestyle and high fibre diet, it snuck up on me.  Before I knew it, I was hospitalized with iv antibiotics to try to deal with the infection, and major pain killers to control the nasty pain.  I had a reaction to the antibiotics and another one was tried.  After 5 days in hospital, I was released on a fluid only diet, which hopefully will be done the week.

It's been a crappy month - literally.  I am tired, I don't have much energy, and my transition back to a high fibre, healthy diet full of fruits and vegetables will be a long road.  it pretty much made we want to just give in to the emotions, to give in to my desire to just give up on this journey and feel miserable and sorry for myself.  I still have those moments, those days.

I went back to the gym this morning.  My trainer James helped ease me back into working out, after what seems like forever.  I guess the good thing is that I actually missed working out - my head really wanted to work out, even when I felt my worst.  That is defintiely progress.

The folks at the gym have been awesome - encouraging me and helping me to figure out a new plan, based on where I am at right now.  The reality is that sh*t happens - life isn't always easy, and roadblocks will appear.  If I want to be successful making changes in the long term, I better learn how to manouver the roadblocks, or this will never be sustainable over the long haul.

So I am still here, a little battered, pretty tired and a little bit scared of what is before me, in terms of  following through with my plan and goals given my current situation.  There are always people with bigger struggles than me, and I am so lucky to have terrific people at BDHQ, and wonderful families and friends to support me as I continue on.

I still plan to run my half marathon in the fall - even if I have to walk more than run - I will complete it.  And I will figure out how to eat both for the disease and for my health.  It is totally doable.

So that is where I have been for the last month.  July has got to be better - and I can`t wait to share all of my adventures with you - and I hope I will be funnier next month - or I won`t have any followers to whine to!

What scares me. . .

So, I am part of a 21 day challenge where I am supposed to do one thing that scares me.  I have until next Monday to do it.  I have really had a  hard time figuring this one out, despite the fact that many things scare me - and on a regular basis.  For example:

Or this:

Or this:

I am more scared of Snooki than the shark, by the way.

Haha - I am an expert at hiding my fears behind a quick joke or smartass comment - the scariest thing of all is to admit how scared I actually am. 

What am I scared of?  Now that's a little complicated.  I was challenged this week to look at what is stopping me from meeting my goals, from continuing on in my lifestyle change, from putting myself first and really committing to this work.  It sucks to be asked the hard questions.  I t sucks even more to actually try and answer them in an honest way.  But here goes. . .

I am scared to fail.  Really scared.  What if I have put this all out there, and at the end of it all I am still the fat, unhealthy and unhappy chub that I was in January.  Will people roll their eyes and whisper "I told you so"?  Will they nod and say "I figured she couldn't follow through"?  What if I do all this and nothing changes?  Or worse - what if I do all this and EVERYTHING changes?

As much as I am scared to fail, I am also scared to succeed!  Nuts, right?  Why I possibly be scared of succeeding?  Well, being fat is a bit of a shield for me - keeps me safe, provides an excuse for a whole lotta things, and provides me with a handy dandy reason for not facing the myriad of issues that I ( and everyone) has  - I mean, why not blame it on being fat?  Health problems?  Too Fat.  Not exercising?  Too fat.  Relationship issues?  Too Fat.  Crappy day?  Must be because I am fat.

It has been a convenient safety net for a long time, and it has allowed me to avoid some the less pleasant aspects of myself under the guise of - "if I was skinny, I would have a better wardrobe, more money,  no parenting struggles, no disagreements with my spouse, a better life!"  Sounds a bit like an ad for a weight loss pill or shake, doesn't it?  But there is no magic something to help me lose weight, and there is no magic weight that will make my life perfect.  Both are unrealistic ideas whose time is past.  But I still want to hold on to the fat so I don't have to face those things.  Looking that deep is really , really hard.  No wonder I am scared to lose weight!

Fortunately, I am already having to face the hard questions - it is a necessary part of this process.  And it is damn scary.  I wish it were easy, but nothing worth anything ever is.  And doing this in a public way holds me accountable - so being afraid to publicly fail is just part of the deal and I am slowly getting over it and ultimately I will succeed because of that accountability, or maybe in spite of it.

So back to that 21 day challenge - the one where I have to do something that scares me - I guess I don't really have to think of anything to do now -  I think, maybe, I just did it.