Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Change is good, no really. . .

It has been a very long while since I posted.  Some of it is because I have just been busy and life has been full.  But a big part has been about what do I say?  I mean, this is supposed to be an inspirational blog that focuses on my journey to health.  And I haven't been feeling particularly healthy, and I certainly don't think I am inspirational in any way.  Especially lately.

Change is a difficult thing.  We say we want it, but when it comes right down to it, what we actually want is not  real change at all. We want all the surface changes - skinnier thighs, flatter stomach, less wrinkles, a happier life. . . but the real change, the deep, life altering change that shakes us to the core and reminds us of all the things we have been running from - now that is the kind of change that often remains elusive.

In May I was officially diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis - an autoimmune arthritis that is just not your grandma's arthritis.  It affects not only joints, but internal organs and eyes, and causes fatigue that is so far past tired it is hard to imagine.  I was not ready to hear it.  Even though it was "expected", it still slammed me.
And I was more than a little overwhelmed.  Try completely pissed off, frustrated and indignant.  After all - I had worked all of last year to "get healthy" - to lose some weight, to train for a half marathon, to feel good.  And now this.  The inevitable "why me?" crept in to my thoughts.

I am a few months past that now.  And although I can't answer "why me?", every day I am understanding more about myself, and this disease and what true health is.  And it ain't about a flat belly ( although that would be super fantastic!)

I have had to adjust my life - my priorities, my choices, balancing my energy and focusing on the things that are really important.  I get too tired to waste time on crap that is not truly a priority.  My awesome family, good friends, meaningful work, singing, coaching ball - these are the things that bring me joy and life and positive energy.  So that is where I put my time now.  I have learned to say "no" more often, and to put my feet up when I need to.  I am relearning how to eat healthy and focus on moving my body, not to get skinnier, but rather to improve my well being.  Despite the nasty drugs that make me pile on the weight I lost, and give me a lovely round moon face, I am trying to look at myself in a more holistic way, and to listen to my body.  Change my thinking, change my focus.  Real meaningful change that will actually improve my life and my health.  It is good.

I still get grumpy, I still wish I was training for a half marathon and not walking like an old lady and forcing myself to get to the pool and swim a lap or two.  I still choose to eat things that are bad for me.  But I am making healthy choices more often than unhealthy ones.  It is a winding path. This too is good.

So I have come to the conclusion that change is good - no really, it is.  Life is good, too.
And getting better each day.