Wednesday, December 12, 2012

I have changed! Who knew?

So here I was thinking that I hadn't really done what I wanted this year, and that I hadn't really changed that much.  But I had a little revelation today - a non scale victory, if you like - a moment where I realized just how much I have changed in this, my year of transformation.

I went with Josh's class to Mt Doug Park this morning.  It was a great field trip - one of the best I have been on  - and believe me, I have been on a LOT of field trips over the years ( you do the math - 4 kids x a lot of school years = a bazillion field trips!).  We were learning about First Nations culture and how they utilized the land that is now Mt. Doug.  We had a great time hiking and learning and I licked a slug - but that is another story!  (I just had to share that special detail!)

Now it is true that I probably would not have licked a slug in the past - I am getting braver all the time - but that is not the change I noticed.  No, the thing I noticed was how easy the hike was, how manageable, how enjoyable.  I have always loved the outdoors, and going on little "explores" with my kids, but I never would have signed up for a field trip that was advertised as a "difficult hike".  I would have been too scared that I would embarrass my kids by not being able to keep up.  You know, the fat mom who is at the back of the pack, huffing and puffing.  I have ended up there once or twice, and it was not pretty, let me tell you.  Not to mention the sympathetic and slightly bitchy looks of concern from the yummy mummies who are 15 years younger and about 100 pounds lighter.  I absolutely hated feeling that I was an embarrassment to my kids.

Today, however, was different.  The hike wasn't really difficult.  But we did have to really hoof it in a few places, and even ran for a bit to catch up ( I was in the back with the stragglers!).  We climbed a few big hills and I didn't even huff or puff - and there were definitely a few moms ( and a dad!) who did!  It was actually a breeze - and most importantly - I felt completely comfortable in my skin.  I didn't worry that I wouldn't be able to keep up, or that I would be the fat, sweaty mom at the back.  I was one of the fittest parents there.

I know it shouldn't matter, but it felt good to be in that place today.  Comparisons with others are usually not a happy thing for me, so I try (unsuccessfully most of the time) to stay away from them.  I usually come up short (insert joke here!)compared to others, especially in the fitness arena.  But today I measured up, and it felt really, really good.  That is a change - a big change, a positive change, that tells me that I have really improved my fitness, and more importantly, my confidence.

Now that is a change worth celebrating - maybe I should lick another slug to mark the occasion!

Or not.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Confessions from the scale - part 3 - (hello disappointment)

I've decided the whole public accountability thing sucks.  You may have noticed my glaring absence and general lack of enthusiasm over the past few months.  To say my enthusiasm has waned is putting it mildly.  I have completely lost momentum, and in the process of doing so, gained back 12 pounds.  Which makes me cry just acknowledging it publicly.  Which is frustrating because I made a deal with myself that I would shed no more tears about my weight - there has been more than enough of THAT over the years.

But I did promise myself that I would keep it real during this process, so I am.  I have gained back a quarter of what I had lost.  I am disappointed.  In myself, in my lack of commitment and follow through to the folks at BDHQ who have been so supportive. Disappointed in another in what seems at times like an endless stream of failures.  It sucks.  It sucks alot .  More frustrating is that I continue to sabotage myself despite good intentions ( and we all know where those lead us!!)

I admit to wallowing - in despair, in self pity, in large bowls of chips that seem like such a good idea at the time.  I am having trouble shaking it off, and an even harder time finding whatever it is that is in me that can help me out of this place.  As mentioned previously - this sucks alot.

I have the entire month of December off, due largely to a ridiculous amount of overtime accumulated since September ( hmmmm perhaps a correlation here???).  This fall has been well, "full" doesn't quite cover it.  Hard, difficult, busy, complex, exhilarating, confusing, wildly fun and exciting - you name it, I have ridden that roller coaster this fall.  And that has had an impact on my health, on my decision making and on my ability to see a way out of the downward spiral that has been happening for a while.

I am using a chunk of my time off for renewal.  And that means getting back on track with my eating healthy lifestyle and with exercising regularly, and reconnecting with friends and things that make me happy.  Like running, and scrapbooking, and drinking  no room americanos while reading trashy magazines about celebrities who are even more screwed up than me ( it really makes me feel better - admit it- it makes you feel better, too!)  I mean compared to Lindsay Lohan, I am freaking awesome!

So I will try to blog more, because frankly the public accountability is what has kept me from giving up altogether.  I feel like I have let my wonderful supporters down, and yet this has to be only about me. (There's a lesson in there somewhere!)

December is going to be a fresh start for me - maybe too little, too late, but I don't think so.  There is always time for new beginnings, and new directions, and new possibilities.  So I am going to jump on that train for a while, and see where it takes me.  I hope you will come along for the ride.