Hell's Bells

So I have been feeling pretty unsuccessful lately - too much work, too much stress - too many not so fantastic choices.  I have been trying to get back on track, but basically spiraling into a grumpy "I suck" kinda space.  Not good.

Today I felt the beginning of a real turnaround - a "maybe I can actually sustain this for longer than I think moment" - all because of what I have privately ( ok, publicly!) referred to for the last 9 months as "Hell's Bell's" - aka kettlebells.

Don't know what I am talking about?  Let me enlighten you.  Kettlebells are a special kind of torture used by BDHQ ( and other) trainers to work your abs until they scream and your arms and shoulders til you can't lift them anymore.  (For more history than you probably want or need - check out http://www.kettlebellscience.com/kettlebell-history.html.)  They look like something the circus strongman would use - oh wait - they used to -I know I have seen that on Bugs Bunny cartoons!

 

 

I started the year with the pink kettlebell - it weighs 8kg/18 pounds.  I found it really challenging - who knew swinging and clean pressing ( I know, it even SOUNDS hardcore) only 18 pounds would be so hard.  My arms hurt, I tired easily, and it was work.  But I really hated using the pink.  It just seemed so, well, girly, which is dumb and also sexist, but hey, just keepin it real!   I  wanted to use the blue (12kg/26lbs) kettlebell, like some of the other women I had seen at the gym, ones who looked a hell of lot more fit than me.  Surely I could swing 26 pounds - it couldn't be that hard, right?

 

 

Wrong.  It took me about 6 months to even summon up the courage to TRY the blue bell.  It really was a LOT more work.  And I couldn't do it consistently - the last set of reps always ended up with me picking up those damn pink bells.  I was disappointed in myself, but I couldn't seem to get past that milestone.  I made it my goal to use the blue bell consistently, all the time, for all sets, by the end of the year. I figured I had a slight chance of doing that, and at least it wouldn't too disappointing if I didn't succeed.

 

Today I hit the gym, still feeling discouraged with my progress, with my commitment ( and how it has been faltering), and saw that kettlebells were a big part of the circuit.  James ( of West Coast Kettlebell Club fame!) my amazing trainer had pink and blue and yellow bells out to use.

 

In a moment of "screw this, I am going to prove myself today" also known as insanity, i picked up not the pink, and not the blue, but the yellow kettlebell.  After all, I could always drop down to the lighter weight if necessary.

 

But I surprised myself. And probably James.  And I know Lovisa will fall over when she reads this.  I used the yellow kettlebell for the entire circuit - every swing, every lift, every row.  3 sets of 20 and 30 and 20.  Me!  16kg!  35lbs!  The yellow bell!  Success!  Unbelievable.

 

 

It is amazing how good success feels.  And an important reminder to me about why I started this journey in the beginning.  It was never about a certain weight, although seeing the numbers go down is great.  One of my big goals was to build strength and feel strong.  Today I do - actually today I feel like this guy:

 



 

Not quite as buff, but a better fashion sense and a much happier face!  Thanks to James for encouraging me to feel and be strong, and for cheering me on and taking a pic of the event! 

 

I am SO done with pink.

 

Healthy Lifestyle Most Embarrassing Moments. . .

My awesome friend Jan (a crossfit ninja) recently posted this on her Facebook wall:

I howled with laughter when I saw it, but only because I actually have done this - the full on face plant while trying to hold a  &*($%#  plank for longer than 20 seconds.  Not cool. 

This led me to ponder the variety of funny ( now) and embarrassing moments I have had since embarking on my lifestyle change in January.  So I give you ( in no particular order) 

         Jacquelin's Healthy Lifestyle Most Embarrassing Moments (so far!):

*tripping over the tire when supposed to be moving gracefully over, in and out of it;

*tripping while running stairs with 20 bootcampers behind you;

*feeling the need to explain to the grocery cashier why you are buying every salad vegetable imaginable, Greek yogurt, and a giant bag of Lay's Potato Chips ( they are for my kids, no really they are!);

*buying a bra for running from the lovely guy at the running store ( ummm - so do you have anything bigger? - blush ! )

*sweating so much you actually leave butt marks on the floor when you get up from doing crunches (I even took pictures to prove it - no I am not posting them - as if!);

*forgetting your work shoes and having to wear your runners to an important meeting with a funder - classy, very classy;

*ummmm - how can I be delicate about this- I can't actually, so - "passing wind" while doing any type of ab work in a full class of very cute,  young enough to be my son, guys;

*forgetting your bra & underwear when you have an important presentation for the United Way right after your workout (thank you Dawn - the Bay does have a great selection of bras and they open at 9:30am!!!!);

*spandex. of. any. kind.

Well, there you have it - some of the most embarrassing moments in my journey so far.  Good news is, I survived.  I still work out, I still plank on my face a good part of the time, and I have given up being concerned about it.  I am doing a good thing for myself, and so a what's a little embarrassment between fitness buddies. ( And strangers.  And good looking guys young enough to be my son  younger brother  friend ;)  !!!!)

Workout Ninja in the house!

Surprise!  Don't fall over as you read this - I really am back blogging again - thanks to a few gentle reminders from some faithful friends/readers.  thank you for your patience during my lapse - I am sure you are all just DYING to hear the latest on my adventures in health and fitness! ( well, maybe not. . . )

Summer has flown by, in a whirl of, well, little exercise ,sunshine and margaritas in Mexico, and a whole lot of not so healthy food choices and some very lovely Okanagan wines!  Staying with my program has proven to be a tough challenge with all of the temptations of summer, but I am happy to report that despite my wandering off the healthy path through July and August, I managed to stay within a few pounds of where I started. No progress to report, but no major damage.  I am choosing to see that as progress - and I dare anyone to tell me something different! ;)

I actually have been pretty frustrated with my lack of progress, despite the fact that the fault lies directly with me and the choices I have made.  Annoyingly enough, the scale doesn't seem to move unless I actually eat healthy and get off my ass:

So, I am eating healthy, and back at the gym, ready to thrill you with exciting news from my workout world.  Let's start with how much it hurts to get back to working out when you have been a slacker!

PAIN - thighs, arms, back, shoulders, butt, abs ( didn't even realize I actually had those!).  Everything pretty much hurts.  Curiously, I am very happy about this!  It is great to use those muscles again, and to realize that I actually have muscles - who knew?  I think I actually have begun to (gasp) LIKE working out! Shocking I know, and I like to complain about working out even more than the actual working out part ( It makes me feel hardcore!) - but still - I actually like working out.  Very cool, people, very cool.

Cool thing number two - I kicked a 20 year old guy's ass at the gym yesterday! 

 

 

Let's just say, it made my day.  Actually it made my week.  Possibly my year.  

 

I know it is mean, but it felt so good to be able to not just keep up, but surpass a young guy half my age, who I am pretty sure was thinking, "Oh God, I got the fat suburban housewife as a workout partner!"  Pretty sure he won't be thinking that next time. :)

 

A pretty good start, or should I say restart.  Thanks for sticking with me, despite my occasional lapses- the next few months are starting to look very interesting, since it appears that I am becoming a workout ninja after all!

 

Oh, by the way - I'm planning a Lululemon takeover in the near future, but let's just keep that between us, at least for now. ;)

Motivation, where art thou???

I am back - no, I really mean it this time.  I have been a bit of a blogging slacker, along with a bit of a workout slacker, and a general engaging in life slacker.  Not cool, but true.

This thing about staying motivated over the long haul is that it is kind of a pain in the ass.  Actually it is not KIND OF a pain in the ass.  It is a gigantic pain in the ass.  Imagine expecting me to stick with this not just for a week or two, or a month or six, but well, forever.  Surprisingly, this is hard work - even harder now than at the beginning, when I was full of wide eyed wonder and excitement.

I am down 44 pounds and about 43 inches.  The equivalent of your average 6 year old ( 46 pounds and 42 inches tall!)  OMG - I 've lost an entire 6 year old child! How the hell did THAT happen?
Some people are starting to really notice, which is good, and weird and embarrassing.  Others seem blissfully unaware of the fact that I HAVE LOST THE EQUIVALENT OF A SIX YEAR OLD CHILD!  Come on now - that has got to be worth a compliment or two - you know who you are! ( And if you don't, you should - you really should!)

This love/hate relationship with compliments is just one of the things I am trying to figure out as I learn to live into this new-ish body of mine.  This should help me stay motivated, but it really doesn't - I am one of those people that really needs to be internally motivated to get off my butt.  Frankly, the feeling unwell thing is getting a little tired, so I need to regroup and refocus on what my goals are and reset my intention to live this lifestyle everyday - even when I am tired, sick or just too darn lazy.

It is really great to hear compliments ( and thank you - it is very nice of you!), and the fact that people are noticing my weight loss is great, but ultimately, it is up to me to keep this going, and no amount of compliments are going to keep me eating clean and working out.  Only I can do that ( which is quite unfortunate, because the other way seems much friendlier, and a LOT less work for me!)

Tomorrow I leave for a four week vacation - starting with presenting at a Doula Conference in Cancun ( can you say holy crap I have to wear a bathing suit in public!), followed by family time in Alberta, leading a mixed media course at Naramata Centre, and more family time in the Okanagan,.

It will be busy, but lots of fun and time for learning and reconnecting with family and friends.  I will be working out on the road, and posting pics and hopefully videos of my workout adventures as I go - I figure this will keep me somewhat accountable and on track while away.  It should be pretty hilarious actually, since I am completely lacking in technical abilities, and I hate seeing myself on film or in photos.  (Yes, I know -  this is a topic for another blog post, or therapy, or both!)

So stay tuned - I have another 6 months of this year of transformation - and a lifetime of living healthy. Thanks for sticking with me so far -  here's to the next leg of the journey!!!

Back in the land of the living. . .

I know, I know - it has been almost a MONTH since my last blog post.  I have a good excuse ( or excuses) -  really.

You know when you have these amazing plans and goals and you are super stoked to achieve them?  Such a great feeling to have goals and have a plan for reaching them.  That is how I was feeling at the beginning of June.  What a different a month makes!

June began with the continutation of a nagging back injury.  This sucked, but did not seem insurmountable.  This was followed by the discovery of a small, unusual mole on my shoulder, which had to removed and biopsied on really short notice.  Fortunately, everything was ok - it turned out to be nothing too serious, and because they were able to remove all of it, I felt truly blessed to have not had to face something much more serious and scary. 

During all of this, I gotta say my motivation was waning - trying to keep up with workouts and my healthy eating plan was really tough.  I fell off the wagon, more than once.  My self confidence felt like it was at an all time low.  I was disappointed in my progress, and really disappointed in myself.
I struggled with quitting - I wanted to - but was scared of dispoointing people, afraid of failing.  Not a happy place.

In the midst of this unhappy place, I developed an infection in my colon, caused by diverticular disease.  I hadn't had an attack for two years, and in spite of my healthy lifestyle and high fibre diet, it snuck up on me.  Before I knew it, I was hospitalized with iv antibiotics to try to deal with the infection, and major pain killers to control the nasty pain.  I had a reaction to the antibiotics and another one was tried.  After 5 days in hospital, I was released on a fluid only diet, which hopefully will be done the week.

It's been a crappy month - literally.  I am tired, I don't have much energy, and my transition back to a high fibre, healthy diet full of fruits and vegetables will be a long road.  it pretty much made we want to just give in to the emotions, to give in to my desire to just give up on this journey and feel miserable and sorry for myself.  I still have those moments, those days.

I went back to the gym this morning.  My trainer James helped ease me back into working out, after what seems like forever.  I guess the good thing is that I actually missed working out - my head really wanted to work out, even when I felt my worst.  That is defintiely progress.

The folks at the gym have been awesome - encouraging me and helping me to figure out a new plan, based on where I am at right now.  The reality is that sh*t happens - life isn't always easy, and roadblocks will appear.  If I want to be successful making changes in the long term, I better learn how to manouver the roadblocks, or this will never be sustainable over the long haul.

So I am still here, a little battered, pretty tired and a little bit scared of what is before me, in terms of  following through with my plan and goals given my current situation.  There are always people with bigger struggles than me, and I am so lucky to have terrific people at BDHQ, and wonderful families and friends to support me as I continue on.

I still plan to run my half marathon in the fall - even if I have to walk more than run - I will complete it.  And I will figure out how to eat both for the disease and for my health.  It is totally doable.

So that is where I have been for the last month.  July has got to be better - and I can`t wait to share all of my adventures with you - and I hope I will be funnier next month - or I won`t have any followers to whine to!

Inspiration (and new photos)

After last week's hurtful comments from the unnamed idiot, I have much support from friends, family and supporters near and far.  Thank you.  You have no idea how much it means to have the ongoing encouragement and support I have from so many.  You keep me going.  And keeping going has been tough the last couple of months.

It's one thing to do this for a short period of time - I have done that MANY times before.  That is precisely why I have gained so much weight - yo yo dieting and periodic bouts of exercise do not a fit and healthy woman make.  But making the changes to my lifestyle are hard, and difficult to maintain when things get rough, and I hit unexpected obstacles like emotional struggles, illness and injuries.  And I have had my fair share of the last two ( and some of the first!) over the past couple of months.

Stress at work, bronchitis and more recently a back/hip flexor problem that has halted my running plan and forced me to adapt my workouts has made sticking with this whole lifestyle change pretty hard.  In fact, I seriously thought about throwing in the towel this week.  Lucky for me, inspiration comes in many forms.

I have some amazing support and encouragement from my friends at Body Dynamics Headquarters - the folks who got me into all this!  I can't say enough about how great they are.  And they put a new photo up at the gym that surprised me - you can check it out HERE, along with some incredible stories from some of the people I have gotten to know - they are truly inspiring!  As I train alongside them, I realize that I am not alone on this journey, and I can learn so much from those who have been there - that inspiration has made a huge difference in my attitude and kept me going when I really wanted to quit.  ( Also many nagging emails, texts, call and facebook messages - I respond well to threats! )

And yesterday we were at the Oak Bay High School track for our Monday night workout.  We were so lucky to be training alongside some special athletes who were getting ready for Operation Trackshoes - a Special Olympics program for track athletes.  Now that is inspiration - here I was, crabby, defeated and complaining about my sore back while these amazing athletes worked their butts off  - many with physical challenges, as well as developmental delays.  Helped me with some perspective, let me tell you!

Finally, I have an amazing friend who is going through treatment for brain cancer right now.  She epitomizes inspiration - a craniotomy to remove a tumour, now radiation and chemo, and through it all she has remained strong, positive and never fails to send me happy thoughts to encourage me along in MY journey.  Debbie - you are a freaking rockstar - and you inspire me everyday to get off my ass and live every minute.  Thank you.

So - inspiration IS everywhere - as long as you take the time to look.  Thank you to the many who inspire me on my journey.  I have posted some new photos on my progress page.  I don't see a huge difference on the outside, but I am definitely changing on the inside - and those are the best changes of all.  And that's just a little inspiring.

Celebration Time - Come on!

Yeah, baby!  It's a celebration!  I reached not one, but two milestones this week - so after a month of whining and complaining, I have a lot to be grateful for today!

First - I finally passed the 30 pound milestone - as of this am - I am down 31 pounds.  The last 10 have been hard fought - my body is adjusting to the new eating plan and the exercise, so I have to eat smarter and work harder now.  And keeping the motivation has been super challenging - because, well, basically I am a lazy butt and would really rather eat chocolate and watch TV.  It's the truth - but I am changing and that is something I can feel in myself that cannot be measured by a scale.  I bought myself a new pair of pants - size 18 - which while still awfully large to some, is a size I have not worn in a very long time and I am super glad to finally be outta the 20's!!!

The other milestone was running the TC10K.  This was a a big emotional milestone for me - because even though I had run it before, I really, really, deep down want to be a runner - even though I find the training tough and it seems like a really big ass goal.

I had pretty much given up on the thought of running it, as I had signed up in January and hadn't really done as much run training as I wanted to do.  That, coupled with a nasty bout of bronchitis that has knocked me off my feet for two weeks ( I was finally cleared to exercise as of yesterday!) felt like the TC10K just wasn't gonna happen this year for me.

But with the amazing support from my gang at BDHQ, the best playlist ever courtesy of Hannah Green, and the continual encouragement of the one and only Lovisa, I was able to complete the 10K this morning.

It wasn't pretty, and it wasn't fast, and I didn't run every step of the way.  It went more like this:

Starting Line:    What the hell am I doing here and where is my coffee?

Kilometer 1:      Woohoo - I am rockstar!  Look at me BDHQers - I am running the TC10K

Kilometer 2:       I found my groove - I can do this!

Kilometer 3:       Whose idea was this?

Kilometer 4:       I could be sleeping right now, instead of sweating like a pig.

Kilometer 5:       Halfway and I haven't puked - yippee!

Kilometer 6:       Your encouragement is awesome, Lovisa, now please shut up and just let me walk.

Kilometer 7:        View?  What view?  I am busy dying here, and yes, I know Terry                      
                            Fox ran a marathon every day on one leg - I am not Terry Fox  I am far too lazy
                            and  self centred and sorry for myself to be Terry Fox.  Yes, I see the Terry Fox
                            memorial.  It's awesome, no really, it is.

Kilometer 8:         Just finish.  You just have to finish.

Kilometer 9:         I may actually finish.  And I am bloody well gonna sprint the last block - it's go     
                             time!   Check me out everyone!

Kilometer 10:      Holy crap - I just ran 10K - Woohoo - I am a rockstar - I am awesome -
                         
                                                                    I am a runner.

I feel amazing - I never would have believed a few months ago that I would be running again, that I would be minus pounds and inches and plus better health and a renewed sense of of accomplishment and belief in myself.   So, yes, I am celebrating - bring on the ice and the Epsom Salts - we got a party going on right here, and it feels great!

A Biggest Loser moment. . .

Have you ever watched The Biggest Loser?  I watch it ( I can't help myself, and I love/lust after the trainers Bob and Dovett) and pretty much every episode there is some dramatic breakthrough/deep confession/tearful workout meltdown.  I call it a "Biggest Loser Moment" - as in - "oh oh - here comes a Biggest Loser moment - time to get the laundry".  I really hate all that drama - it is just a workout, people, chill for God's sake.

Well, I am eating humble pie today ( but don't worry - it's calorie free!).  I had my own little "Biggest Loser Moment" this morning at the gym.  And yes - it was a big, fat, tearful workout meltdown.

Last week a little list appeared at BDHQ, along with a challenge.  Called Christina's Filthy Fifty ( and that doesn't quite cover it - more like Christina`s Are You Freaking Kidding Me I Will Die Doing That Fifty) it is basically a series of activities that you complete fifty of in the fastest possible time.  I truly LMAO when I saw the challenge - knowing I could NEVER do this, and was very grateful that I didn't have to.

Check it out:

And just in case you cannot read the chalk - this is the list:

50 Box Jumps (Looky here)
50 Kettlebell Swings ( check out how to do them here)
50 Lunges with weight (here )
50 Wall Balls (video here - similar but with a smaller weighted ball)
50 Burpees  (here)
50 Kettlebell Pushpress (here)
50 Hanging Knee Raises (here)  Disclaimer - Mine in no way resembled these!)
50 Pushups ( I am lady - so I did "ladies" - from the knee!)

Christina did this in under 12 minutes - seriously.  When I walked into the gym this morning to find out that this was my workout - I wanted to run the other direction.  I actually felt sick, thinking about all the parts of that that I couldn't do, that were way beyond me - and that I was going to completely embarrass myself.  It was the first time I really wanted to just quit - walk out the door and never come back to the humiliation of trying to get this body to do all the things that it hasn't done in forever, or has never attempted at all.

But Christina was having none of it. A little tough love, and I was starting my filthy fifty.  And filthy it was.  I am not going to lie and say my form was amazing, or that I did every challenge as it was meant to be done.  The Box Jumps were box step ups, I used the lightest (8kg) kettlebell, and my Wall Balls and burpees left a little to be desired in terms of perfect form.  But I did do them - all 50 of them.  And although I was exhausted and stretched to the max, I was actually doing it.  Until it came to the hanging knee raises.  Enter the Biggest Loser Moment.

I hit the wall.  I was so tired, and so sure I couldn't do the damn things.  And I was scared.  Scared of  hanging there, scared of falling, scared of failing.  Once again Christina told me to just do it.  To try.
So I tried.  And oh my gosh it was hard.  The tears fell - I was so frustrated that I couldn't do it, and so afraid of failing that I didn't want to continue to try.  Christina came over and told me to step down.  But I couldn't do it.  I couldn't just finish with tears - not knowing if I could even sort of do it.  So I kept doing it - all 50, with Christina cheering me every minute, every knee raise, every tear.

It was so freaking hard.  And those hanging knee raises? They were nowhere near perfect, or pretty. But I don't care, because today that wasn't really what it was about.  Today was about something actually much bigger for me.

I didn't quit.  I wanted to, more than anything, but when it came down to it, I didn't . I couldn't. 

Today I am a ninja - a Filthy Fifty Ninja - I did the whole damn thing in 21 min and 55 seconds.  And I am really impressed with myself - event though it wasn't perfect and I had to make some modifications.
And I had my Biggest Loser Moment - some tears and a lot of self doubt.  And I don't care - I am sure there will  be a few more before the year is out. And I am ok with that.

The only real downside of today was that that when I had my meltdown I didn't get the requisite "cheer up, you can do this" hug from Bob or Dovett.  Damn.  I think I feel the tears welling up as I write - where are you two when I need you?

I missed you, workout. . .

I missed a workout this morning.  I had a 5:45am rise and shine, get my ass kicked workout with Wendy this morning and I slept in.  Not a little sleep in either - a big, oh crap now I am really behind kinda sleep in!

Why should you care, I know you are asking?  All will be revealed - I promise.  But first let me explain that in the past I was the Queen of All Excuses when I was supposed to be working out.  In fact, I have a handy list right here of why I simply CANNOT make a workout today:

I am too tired
I forgot my shoes
I don't have the right bra.
My back hurts.
My knees hurt.
I couldn't get a sitter.
My sitter was sick.
My kids are sick.
I 'm sick.
My cat is sick.
The betafish is sick.
My second cousin twice removed is sick.
I have a meeting.
Mark has a meeting .
The kids have ____________ (insert one of many activities here - band, piano, fastball, playdate. . . )
I am too sore from working out yesterday.
It's too cold, hot,wet, dry, windy, humid, rainy, or snowy.
I don't want to miss American Idol.
The Biggest Loser is on and I can't wait to see Bob's last chance workout this week.
Did I mention I am too tired?

And, oh yeah - I slept in.

Funny thing is, this time when I missed my workout - I actually MISSED my workout!  As in, I really was disappointed that I slept in and missed out on the opportunity to sweat it out and work my not so firm butt off.  That, my friends, is a first.  Because usually when I miss out on anything remotely related to exercise, disappointed is not the feeling that jumps to mind.  More like - "Thank God I dodged that bullet".  So it really is amazing to me that I have actually made exercise so much a part of my life that I actually miss it when I don't do it! HA!  Strange but true fact from the weightloss war!

So, since I missed my workout this morning I felt compelled to join Bob from the Biggest Loser in a 60 minute worlout video when I got home from work. So thanks a lot Bob, but let's face  it - you are no Wendy from BDHQ!

Tomorrow I will be  setting two alarms!  See you at 7am!