Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy, Healthy New Year!

What a difference a year makes.  2012 was "my year of transformation".  Kinda lofty goal, as I think about it - after all, transformation is a pretty tall order!  And as I reflect on the past year, I realize more and more that transformation is a process, a life long process - clearly not something that happens in days, weeks, months or even years.  Of course, I actually did know that, at least on a surface level, but I have come to know it on a much more intimate, deep level over the course of the last 12 months.

Favourite pic from 2012 - I look happy & healthy!!

One year ago I stepped on the scale and saw the highest number I had ever seen before.  273 pounds.  Holy crap - I was the size of a large mule deer ( yes, I looked that up - what can I say - I needed an impressive example of how obese I had become).  Obese was a word I had never owned up to, but it was staring me in the mirror and on the scale.  I was humiliated, sad, angry and yes, I really hated what I had allowed to happen.  I hated my unhealthy life.  This is from last January 1st - the weight, the horrifying measurements, and how I really felt about it all. ( if you are offended by, ahem, colourful language - skip the photo!)

Hurts my heart to see how unhappy I was.  And then of course, the ever so flattering before pics:

I look so damn miserable - felt that way, too.  And pretty hopeless, and unhappy, and unhealthy, and ....

Mostly, I felt defeated.  Like it was impossible to change, that I was forever stuck in an unhealthy body with no ability to show the world the person who I can be - the active, happy, satisfied person that I strive to be.

Let's just say a Happy New Year it was not.

Luckily for me - an opportunity for change was around the corner.

Winning the BDHQ Over contest was life changing for me, but the most important changes are not the ones visible from the outside.  At the beginning, I envisioned myself at least 100 pounds thinner on January 1st , 2013 ( must have been high on exercise endorphins in that moment!) wearing tight fitting workout gear that revealed my newly toned six pack - and yes I know that is a stretch a B_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_G stretch!

Well, guess what?  I didn't lose 100 lbs, or 80 or even 50.  As of today, I am down 39 pounds.  Not really impressive, at least not on the surface.  But there is more - much more.

I am also a total of 50 inches smaller than I was one year ago.  I have gone from a size 24 to a size 16-18 - and for the first time since my kids were born I can go into a non plus sized store and buy a shirt and it actually fits me.

I have run a 5K, an 8 K and a 10K, and I am registered to run a half marathon (21.1 K) in June 2013.  I can swing a yellow kettlebell and finish Christina's Filthy Fifty and not die.  I can squat with the best of them. I have committed to another year of working out with the fabulous peeps at BDHQ.  I am fighting my f-ing plank - and this year I will be victorious over it.

Despite numerous setbacks in my physical, emotional, and personal life, I am still committed to eating healthy and working out. (This my friends, is a minor miracle in itself, as I have never followed through with anything health related in my entire life - when the things get tough I have always just jumped off the wagon and drove to the nearest McDonald's)

I am mostly happy, and for the first time in a long time I am hopeful.  Hopeful that I will continue to change and transform.  Hopeful that I can show the world the me under all that unhealthy fat, but never have quite felt the confidence to fully share. Hopeful that I can be the author of my own story and that it has a happy ending.

I believe I can do this, and I am painfully aware of how much work it will take - and I STILL believe I can do it.  I don't believe I will do it in a week, month, or a year. I do believe that this is a journey that I started last year and will continue to be on for the rest of my life.

I am not the Biggest Loser, or the Biggest Winner.  I  don't have a six pack - I have stretch marks and extra skin.  It is beautiful, because it reminds me I am strong enough to give birth to four babies, and live to tell the tale.  I am no longer the Biggest Liar ( to myself - every time I tell myself that I am fat, or ugly or that I can't do this).  I like my life and I like me - most of the time - and I am resilient enough to overcome the obstacles that are sure to come my way, as they do for all of us.

I am proud of my accomplishments this year, and grateful to all the amazing people in my life that have supported me - my family, the awesome staff of BDHQ, my friends near and far - how blessed am I to have such light in my life.  Thank you.  Your love, support and encouragement have made this possible and I am ever grateful.

In the next weeks I will have some updated photos  - sorry, no boudoir photos - not YET, anyway  ;).  And I have decided to keep the blog going.  It keeps me real, and what else do I have to do???  I hope you will stay tuned for year two of My Year of Transformation - I can't guarantee a six pack, or a 100 pound weight loss, but I promise to be somewhat funny, and sometimes serious, and always as honest as I can be.  So Happy, Healthy New Year - for me, and hopefully for you, too.

Let's inspire each other to be who we really are - for that, my friends, is always enough.


Annet said...

Awesome, awesome, awesome! So glad of the change of attitude - hard to realise sometimes how far we have come right? To think that even though we both stopped for a bit, we knew enough to WANT to get back to it. I was hoping there'd be a reveal of the "new you" at the bottom, but I'll wait for it.
Way to go J!

mow180 said...

Thank you Jackie. But you make me cry.
I pray for strength but I am weak!
So I will live through your triumphs instead.
Thank you Jackie.

Juliann in WA said...

Thanks for posting your blog on the MMEW board. I am looking forward to hearing about his next season for you!

Sarah Davis said...

Thanks for posting this link on mfp. it made me tear up as I feel the same on so many aspects. Congrats on your success and to the more progress to come! Sarah (southrider)

Lisa McManus Lange said...

I am so impressed by you - truly! Keep it up. If you want something bad enough, you'll do it.
Take care, long lost scrapper friend...

Lisa McManus Lange

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