Oh my aching. . .

This getting healthy thing is a pain in the ass.  Don't get me wrong, I want to do this, and I definitely need to do this, but I had kinda forgotten that it is actually a lot of work! It requires planning and forethought, not exactly my superpowers ( those tend to be more in the areas of BS detecting and identifying the sketch factor in the boyfriends of the lovely women I work with.  But I digress. . .)

Case in point, I now have to actually THINK about what food I put in my mouth  - no more random snacks and mindless ( and carefree!) eating.  I also have to find the appropriate balance between being mindful and being a crazy psycho woman who is addicted to the food tracker on my crapberry.  There IS a happy medium, I am sure of it.  Now to find it. . .

I also am back to packing my lunch, rather than using the "I don't have a lunch" excuse to eat those tasty treats of the devil known as french fries.  This also means I have to actually THINK (there's that word again!) about what I want for lunch and prepare it in advance!  No more excuses.  Sigh.

And then there is the little thing called exercise - in my cutesy moments I call it "Fitting in Fitness", which pretty much makes me want to throw up.  I do need to figure out how to fit it in - so easy to give it a pass at the end of the day and mornings are pretty challenging.  I am currently walking at lunch.  Grudgingly, very grudgingly.  ( I am still pouting that I cannot run, but that is a story for another post. . you are welcome!)

I am slowly improving - not perfect by any stretch, but I am getting back in the rhythm of living a healthier lifestyle.  Yes, it is indeed a pain in my rather large butt, however, it is always better to be sore from doing something, instead of nothing!  At least that is my story, and I am sticking to it!

Happy New Year. . .

Fall is a time for new beginnings.  The changing leaves, the start of school, the return to routine after a carefree summer - all of these signal a time of renewal for me, even more so that the actual new year, or even the newness of spring.  I am need of a fresh start, and now is as good a time as any, and perhaps the perfect time.

I admit it, I have been struggling.  Trying to stay positive, pretending not to notice how tight my clothes have become, how the effects of prednisone are revealing themselves in my ever expanding body, feeling defeated, and sore and tired.  SO very tired.  I hate feeling this way.  I don't like pasting on a smile and pretending that things will all be well, when deep inside I feel as though they will never again be truly "well".  I hate being that miserable, sorry for herself fat chick that doesn't exercise and eats to hide her feelings.  Been there, done that.  It's time for a change.  A fresh start.  Refocus.

So, I am back blogging.  It is a start.  It helps me stay focused on getting healthy.  I talked with a dietitian today, who politely pointed out that I am clearly overeating, and that only some of the weight gain can be attributed to drugs.  Damn her honesty!  She is right, and helped me to identify areas that need changes, and we began to design a path to make that happen.  Aquafit beckons.  I need to pull up my (very!) big girl panties and join the old gals at the pool.  And move a bit more everyday, even if I still hurt, even thought the multitude of medications I am taking (5 for RA, see below) aren't quite working just yet. They will.  I have to trust that.  And if they don't, I will have to try something else.

So Happy New Year!  Thanks for hanging in with me during the season of misery.  Hopefully, my humour will return when I get my ass off the couch.  Maybe you want to join me - a fresh start is always a good thing - a return to a fitness routine lost through the summer, or back to healthy eating after a summer of treats.  Maybe you want to quit smoking - why wait til January?  It is a new year today - let's start today.  I will if you will.

Now I am off to toast the New Year with a glass of something sparkling, that may or may not be champagne.  I am not telling!

Winds of Change

So, I have been at a loss as to what to blog about over the past while.  I am not feeling overly trans-formative at the moment, although there are lots of changes happening in my life.

As you know from reading my blog, I have been struggling over the past while while with an assortment of aches and pains, and what I thought were overuse injuries from my run/strength training program.  Unfortunately, there is more to it than I initially thought, and for me that means some big adjustments ahead.

It started with joint pain and swelling - ankles, hips, knees - first one, than both sides of my body.  Must be too much training, I thought, so I dialed it back a bit, but the pain increased, and moved to my wrists and hands, as well.  Morning stiffness, of the kind that means it takes about an hour and a half just to get moving has joined the party, along with an almost overwhelming fatigue.  The "I feel like a brand new mom times about 10 000"  kind of fatigue.  On the plus side (not really, but I need a win) I have lost about 13 pounds over the last few weeks, with no exercise of any kind - for the first time in my life I can honestly say I am not hungry.  Now I know something is wrong.

It seems that I have developed some type of inflammatory arthritis, autoimmune in nature.  The initial thinking was reactive arthritis, perhaps in response to an infection.  Unfortunately, there is no infection we can identify, and it may be that we are looking at rheumatoid arthritis instead, or another of the over 100 types of arthritis that can impact any one of us at any time.  I admit - it is pretty overwhelming and scary.  I have lots of pain, and the tiredness has really sucked a lot of the fun out of life at the moment.  I have cut back on work, running is out of the question - even swimming one lap is out of reach at the moment.  Coaching softball is going to require a lot of help and support from my team and their parents - I can't hold or swing a bat properly right now.  I am trying to be patient while waiting to see a specialist and figure out what is going on.  I can feel the winds of change begin to blow.

It has meant some difficult changes.  I am not super great at taking it easy.  I miss running, and working out.  The simplest things exhaust me.  It sucks.  And yet I am deeply aware that there are so many things much worse that I could have to deal with.  Finding a balance daily is keeping me mindful - not such a bad thing.

So, for now, I don't have a lot of funny adventures from my workout and weight loss world.  That will return, when I am just a bit more settled, and know more about what this may mean long term.  I am certain it will work out, and that I will find a way to achieve my goals for my health - even if those goals may need just a bit of renovation.

Stay tuned.

Dig deep. . .

I am officially sidelined.  Grrrrr.  After a plague of minor and not so minor injuries ( sprains, strains, bursitis, plus some arthritis in my hips and knees), it seems that running may not be in my future - at least not the foreseeable future.  ( I am still holding out hope that it will be possible at some point - gotta keep the dream alive!)  I am also now on crutches, after my doctor lost it and told me that if I don't actually "rest and do nothing" I will be  a crippled old woman in a wheelchair at age 55.  Thanks Doc.  ( She may have been a wee bit annoyed at my lack of compliance!)  Needless to say, I am trying very hard to "rest and do nothing".

Crutches suck, by the way.

Despite my joking, I am pretty devastated.  It does seem that every time I get to a certain point in my fitness, something happens and I am back to square one, again.  For the billionth time.  I do not dig this.  Not quite sure what lesson it is that I am supposed to be learning from this, but it makes me pretty darn crabby.  I am not fun when I am crabby,  In fact, I am not fun to be around when I am crabby.  (Sorry family and friends.)

So once again I feel like I am at a crossroads in terms of this process.  Along with not being able to exercise at all ( not even old lady aqua aerobics - sorry to offend any aqua aerobics enthusiasts) until they figure out exactly what is going on, my eating has pretty much devolved into a sugar and saturated fat laced disaster.  Oh the predictability of these old patterns - just when I thought I had my sh*t together.  A friendly reminder from the universe that I still have a LOT of internal work still to do ( don't we all).

So now I need to regroup and come up with a new plan.  I am deeply grieving the fact that I won't be running my half marathon.  I cannot bring myself to completely let it go as a goal/dream, but it may be that I need to make some difficult decisions about running in the (hopefully not too near) future.  Honestly, I can't go there right now.  Astonishingly, the thought of giving up running brings me to tears - something I never in my entire life believed would be possible.  A sign of  some progress, I guess.

My new plan will likely include walking - and yes walking enthusiasts, I know you think it is amazing - I am not quite so enthusiastic - and possibly swimming.  No aqua aerobics. Ever. Seriously.  Yes, I am knocking it BEFORE I try it.  My doc suggested cycling when I get the green light to exercise.  I smiled politely, nodded my head, and thought about stabbing my eyes with a fork.  Cycling isn't really my thing (although Freddy Mercury almost had me convinced).  Obviously I have a little resistance to trying something new.  But i will get over that.  I have to.

As for the eating, I think it's time to put the pity party to bed and stop medicating myself with sugar and fat.  And mac and cheese.  And ice cream.  And potato chips.  Did I mention the sugar and fat?  time to refocus, and eat to improve my health and speed my healing.  Hello again, kale chips.

It is time to dig deep - to find the motivation I need to stay focused on my long term goal of  living a healthy life, even the when things go to hell.  I mean really, there are problems in the world a lot worse than me not being able to run a half marathon.  But I will need to dig deep within myself to stay focused and motivated over the next while.  And that is ok, because it is all part of the process - but no guarantees that I won't be a wee bit crabby along the way.  I am good, but not THAT good!

Moderation

So, now that the hoopla of Christmas and New Year's is over, the hard work begins.  And let's face it, it will definitely be hard work.  After the sugar and fat high that was the holiday season ( for me anyway - I am sure none of you ever let anything unhealthy pass your lips ;) ) is over, the reality of what it means to eat healthy and work out regularly has hit.  And it's only week one.  

Eliminating all that nasty white stuff from my diet ( AGAIN!) has left me a little on the grumpy side ( my family might say a LOT on the grumpy side), and tired, sluggish and headache-y. You know the foods I mean:  white bread, white rice, potatoes (baked, mashed, fries, chips), pasta, cereal, anything breaded or batter dipped (e.g., fried chicken, shrimp tempura), cereal, and anything made with white flour or sugar.  You know, the yummy stuff that makes you feel all warm and cozy inside - until it burns through your body and makes you crash and start all over again.  

The impact of removing it from my diet should tell me that white carbs and sugar cannot be good for me - so I am glad I am eliminating it.  But it sure is tough - and let me hasten to say that I am  NOT engaged in a war on carbs - just the white ones!  Healthy carbs like veggies, whole grains, legumes and fruit are tasty and nutritious!  And they don't give me a sugar hangover.

Healthy fats are also good - unhealthy transfats and extra added fat that has no nutritional value is on my avoid list.

I refuse to give up caffeine, but I am down from drinking  a pot and a half a day to about three (alright, four) cups ( thank you Keurig - and yes, I do have a reusable filter for my machine, so I don't have to drink the little disposable ones - so don't go all eco crusader on me please - but I do drink the little disposable ones sometimes, ok, a little more frequently than sometimes :S).

Moderation is the key for me this year.  I am not really known for my ability to be moderate - ask my husband, or my friends, or anyone who has ever been on the receiving end of one of my impromptu sermons on one social justice issue or another.  I am trying to learn.

This has to be sustainable - when I go to the extreme I am not actually being healthy, and I usually end up feeling deprived, and in the case of fitness - injured.  So this year, I am aiming for balance.  ( I can hardly write that without cracking up - because really, I am as unbalanced as they come!)

I am even going to try yoga - balance and moderation, balance and moderation, balance and moderation.  . . fake it til I make it, fake it til I make it. . . fake it til I make it!

Happy, Healthy New Year!

What a difference a year makes.  2012 was "my year of transformation".  Kinda lofty goal, as I think about it - after all, transformation is a pretty tall order!  And as I reflect on the past year, I realize more and more that transformation is a process, a life long process - clearly not something that happens in days, weeks, months or even years.  Of course, I actually did know that, at least on a surface level, but I have come to know it on a much more intimate, deep level over the course of the last 12 months.

Favourite pic from 2012 - I look happy & healthy!!

One year ago I stepped on the scale and saw the highest number I had ever seen before.  273 pounds.  Holy crap - I was the size of a large mule deer ( yes, I looked that up - what can I say - I needed an impressive example of how obese I had become).  Obese was a word I had never owned up to, but it was staring me in the mirror and on the scale.  I was humiliated, sad, angry and yes, I really hated what I had allowed to happen.  I hated my unhealthy life.  This is from last January 1st - the weight, the horrifying measurements, and how I really felt about it all. ( if you are offended by, ahem, colourful language - skip the photo!)

Hurts my heart to see how unhappy I was.  And then of course, the ever so flattering before pics:

I look so damn miserable - felt that way, too.  And pretty hopeless, and unhappy, and unhealthy, and ....

Mostly, I felt defeated.  Like it was impossible to change, that I was forever stuck in an unhealthy body with no ability to show the world the person who I can be - the active, happy, satisfied person that I strive to be.

Let's just say a Happy New Year it was not.

Luckily for me - an opportunity for change was around the corner.

Winning the BDHQ Over contest was life changing for me, but the most important changes are not the ones visible from the outside.  At the beginning, I envisioned myself at least 100 pounds thinner on January 1st , 2013 ( must have been high on exercise endorphins in that moment!) wearing tight fitting workout gear that revealed my newly toned six pack - and yes I know that is a stretch a B_I_I_I_I_I_I_I_G stretch!

Well, guess what?  I didn't lose 100 lbs, or 80 or even 50.  As of today, I am down 39 pounds.  Not really impressive, at least not on the surface.  But there is more - much more.

I am also a total of 50 inches smaller than I was one year ago.  I have gone from a size 24 to a size 16-18 - and for the first time since my kids were born I can go into a non plus sized store and buy a shirt and it actually fits me.

I have run a 5K, an 8 K and a 10K, and I am registered to run a half marathon (21.1 K) in June 2013.  I can swing a yellow kettlebell and finish Christina's Filthy Fifty and not die.  I can squat with the best of them. I have committed to another year of working out with the fabulous peeps at BDHQ.  I am fighting my f-ing plank - and this year I will be victorious over it.

Despite numerous setbacks in my physical, emotional, and personal life, I am still committed to eating healthy and working out. (This my friends, is a minor miracle in itself, as I have never followed through with anything health related in my entire life - when the things get tough I have always just jumped off the wagon and drove to the nearest McDonald's)

I am mostly happy, and for the first time in a long time I am hopeful.  Hopeful that I will continue to change and transform.  Hopeful that I can show the world the me under all that unhealthy fat, but never have quite felt the confidence to fully share. Hopeful that I can be the author of my own story and that it has a happy ending.

I believe I can do this, and I am painfully aware of how much work it will take - and I STILL believe I can do it.  I don't believe I will do it in a week, month, or a year. I do believe that this is a journey that I started last year and will continue to be on for the rest of my life.

I am not the Biggest Loser, or the Biggest Winner.  I  don't have a six pack - I have stretch marks and extra skin.  It is beautiful, because it reminds me I am strong enough to give birth to four babies, and live to tell the tale.  I am no longer the Biggest Liar ( to myself - every time I tell myself that I am fat, or ugly or that I can't do this).  I like my life and I like me - most of the time - and I am resilient enough to overcome the obstacles that are sure to come my way, as they do for all of us.

I am proud of my accomplishments this year, and grateful to all the amazing people in my life that have supported me - my family, the awesome staff of BDHQ, my friends near and far - how blessed am I to have such light in my life.  Thank you.  Your love, support and encouragement have made this possible and I am ever grateful.

In the next weeks I will have some updated photos  - sorry, no boudoir photos - not YET, anyway  ;).  And I have decided to keep the blog going.  It keeps me real, and what else do I have to do???  I hope you will stay tuned for year two of My Year of Transformation - I can't guarantee a six pack, or a 100 pound weight loss, but I promise to be somewhat funny, and sometimes serious, and always as honest as I can be.  So Happy, Healthy New Year - for me, and hopefully for you, too.

Let's inspire each other to be who we really are - for that, my friends, is always enough.

I have changed! Who knew?

So here I was thinking that I hadn't really done what I wanted this year, and that I hadn't really changed that much.  But I had a little revelation today - a non scale victory, if you like - a moment where I realized just how much I have changed in this, my year of transformation.

I went with Josh's class to Mt Doug Park this morning.  It was a great field trip - one of the best I have been on  - and believe me, I have been on a LOT of field trips over the years ( you do the math - 4 kids x a lot of school years = a bazillion field trips!).  We were learning about First Nations culture and how they utilized the land that is now Mt. Doug.  We had a great time hiking and learning and I licked a slug - but that is another story!  (I just had to share that special detail!)

Now it is true that I probably would not have licked a slug in the past - I am getting braver all the time - but that is not the change I noticed.  No, the thing I noticed was how easy the hike was, how manageable, how enjoyable.  I have always loved the outdoors, and going on little "explores" with my kids, but I never would have signed up for a field trip that was advertised as a "difficult hike".  I would have been too scared that I would embarrass my kids by not being able to keep up.  You know, the fat mom who is at the back of the pack, huffing and puffing.  I have ended up there once or twice, and it was not pretty, let me tell you.  Not to mention the sympathetic and slightly bitchy looks of concern from the yummy mummies who are 15 years younger and about 100 pounds lighter.  I absolutely hated feeling that I was an embarrassment to my kids.

Today, however, was different.  The hike wasn't really difficult.  But we did have to really hoof it in a few places, and even ran for a bit to catch up ( I was in the back with the stragglers!).  We climbed a few big hills and I didn't even huff or puff - and there were definitely a few moms ( and a dad!) who did!  It was actually a breeze - and most importantly - I felt completely comfortable in my skin.  I didn't worry that I wouldn't be able to keep up, or that I would be the fat, sweaty mom at the back.  I was one of the fittest parents there.

I know it shouldn't matter, but it felt good to be in that place today.  Comparisons with others are usually not a happy thing for me, so I try (unsuccessfully most of the time) to stay away from them.  I usually come up short (insert joke here!)compared to others, especially in the fitness arena.  But today I measured up, and it felt really, really good.  That is a change - a big change, a positive change, that tells me that I have really improved my fitness, and more importantly, my confidence.

Now that is a change worth celebrating - maybe I should lick another slug to mark the occasion!

Or not.

Run, Baby, Run

I am sick at home and feeling sorry for myself, which is probably NOT the best time to blog, but I have time and my computer so. . .

I am suffering from a case of half marathon blues.  Sadly, it is not because I ran the half marathon, which was my BHAG - big hairy audacious goal - but because I didn't.  Remember my bold announcement back in May?  Here is the link if you missed it:  Sticks and stones

Fresh off the glow of my 10k, the half seemed possible, easily within reach, actually.  It actually turned out to be the start of a B-I-G slide into injuries, poor eating and a ginormous pity party.  I hate when that happens.

Figuring out the long term strategies for staying with my workouts, runs and healthy eating is proving to be a rather large challenge.  Not insurmountable, but hard work.  Harder than I anticipated, perhaps that is why I have never gotten this far before.  Typically I give up after about 2 months - the longest was about 4 months, and God help me if I ever encounter any roadblocks - that is for sure a sign from the universe to give it all up.  As mentioned in previous posts - I am shockingly lazy at times, and always up for a good excuse. It's a talent I have.

I am nine months in and I still haven't given up.  That is a good thing.  I am finding ways to regroup, and pull myself out of the hole and keep going.  Apparently I AM learning how to do this, because that wouldn't have happened before.  I would have simply given up and ate myself up another 10 pounds.  Another good thing. ( I am starting to sound sound like Martha Stewart - but my good things are actually important!)

Sunday I ran (I use the term loosely - mostly a very S-L-O-W walk run thing that looks ridiculous but I actually don't give a crap) the 8km race instead of doing the half marathon.  I even got a medal:

I am proud of myself for doing the 8km - after all 8km is nothing to sneeze at and even though I was almost the last person in my age category, I still finished it.  I didn't just throw in the towel when I couldn't do the half.  And I am still working out with the amazing folks at BDHQ - I am getting stronger and healthier each day. 

This is the real transformation - not necessarily the one I was thinking about when I started this journey ( that was more like "I am going to look like Jillian Michaels - perhaps just a tad optimistic!).  I am so much more resilient, and able to bounce back, refocus and keep going.  Pretty good life skill, even if I have waited til I was 45  ( soon to be 46) to get it.

Yay me - those half marathon blues are not quite so blue, and I am rebuilding my confidence in my ability to carry through and actually change my SELF, not just my weight.

Oh and by the way - I signed up for the Victoria Goddess Run Half Marathon in June 2013.  Sounds like the perfect half marathon for me! ;)

Healthy Lifestyle Most Embarrassing Moments. . .

My awesome friend Jan (a crossfit ninja) recently posted this on her Facebook wall:

I howled with laughter when I saw it, but only because I actually have done this - the full on face plant while trying to hold a  &*($%#  plank for longer than 20 seconds.  Not cool. 

This led me to ponder the variety of funny ( now) and embarrassing moments I have had since embarking on my lifestyle change in January.  So I give you ( in no particular order) 

         Jacquelin's Healthy Lifestyle Most Embarrassing Moments (so far!):

*tripping over the tire when supposed to be moving gracefully over, in and out of it;

*tripping while running stairs with 20 bootcampers behind you;

*feeling the need to explain to the grocery cashier why you are buying every salad vegetable imaginable, Greek yogurt, and a giant bag of Lay's Potato Chips ( they are for my kids, no really they are!);

*buying a bra for running from the lovely guy at the running store ( ummm - so do you have anything bigger? - blush ! )

*sweating so much you actually leave butt marks on the floor when you get up from doing crunches (I even took pictures to prove it - no I am not posting them - as if!);

*forgetting your work shoes and having to wear your runners to an important meeting with a funder - classy, very classy;

*ummmm - how can I be delicate about this- I can't actually, so - "passing wind" while doing any type of ab work in a full class of very cute,  young enough to be my son, guys;

*forgetting your bra & underwear when you have an important presentation for the United Way right after your workout (thank you Dawn - the Bay does have a great selection of bras and they open at 9:30am!!!!);

*spandex. of. any. kind.

Well, there you have it - some of the most embarrassing moments in my journey so far.  Good news is, I survived.  I still work out, I still plank on my face a good part of the time, and I have given up being concerned about it.  I am doing a good thing for myself, and so a what's a little embarrassment between fitness buddies. ( And strangers.  And good looking guys young enough to be my son  younger brother  friend ;)  !!!!)

Workout Ninja in the house!

Surprise!  Don't fall over as you read this - I really am back blogging again - thanks to a few gentle reminders from some faithful friends/readers.  thank you for your patience during my lapse - I am sure you are all just DYING to hear the latest on my adventures in health and fitness! ( well, maybe not. . . )

Summer has flown by, in a whirl of, well, little exercise ,sunshine and margaritas in Mexico, and a whole lot of not so healthy food choices and some very lovely Okanagan wines!  Staying with my program has proven to be a tough challenge with all of the temptations of summer, but I am happy to report that despite my wandering off the healthy path through July and August, I managed to stay within a few pounds of where I started. No progress to report, but no major damage.  I am choosing to see that as progress - and I dare anyone to tell me something different! ;)

I actually have been pretty frustrated with my lack of progress, despite the fact that the fault lies directly with me and the choices I have made.  Annoyingly enough, the scale doesn't seem to move unless I actually eat healthy and get off my ass:

So, I am eating healthy, and back at the gym, ready to thrill you with exciting news from my workout world.  Let's start with how much it hurts to get back to working out when you have been a slacker!

PAIN - thighs, arms, back, shoulders, butt, abs ( didn't even realize I actually had those!).  Everything pretty much hurts.  Curiously, I am very happy about this!  It is great to use those muscles again, and to realize that I actually have muscles - who knew?  I think I actually have begun to (gasp) LIKE working out! Shocking I know, and I like to complain about working out even more than the actual working out part ( It makes me feel hardcore!) - but still - I actually like working out.  Very cool, people, very cool.

Cool thing number two - I kicked a 20 year old guy's ass at the gym yesterday! 

 

 

Let's just say, it made my day.  Actually it made my week.  Possibly my year.  

 

I know it is mean, but it felt so good to be able to not just keep up, but surpass a young guy half my age, who I am pretty sure was thinking, "Oh God, I got the fat suburban housewife as a workout partner!"  Pretty sure he won't be thinking that next time. :)

 

A pretty good start, or should I say restart.  Thanks for sticking with me, despite my occasional lapses- the next few months are starting to look very interesting, since it appears that I am becoming a workout ninja after all!

 

Oh, by the way - I'm planning a Lululemon takeover in the near future, but let's just keep that between us, at least for now. ;)

Motivation, where art thou???

I am back - no, I really mean it this time.  I have been a bit of a blogging slacker, along with a bit of a workout slacker, and a general engaging in life slacker.  Not cool, but true.

This thing about staying motivated over the long haul is that it is kind of a pain in the ass.  Actually it is not KIND OF a pain in the ass.  It is a gigantic pain in the ass.  Imagine expecting me to stick with this not just for a week or two, or a month or six, but well, forever.  Surprisingly, this is hard work - even harder now than at the beginning, when I was full of wide eyed wonder and excitement.

I am down 44 pounds and about 43 inches.  The equivalent of your average 6 year old ( 46 pounds and 42 inches tall!)  OMG - I 've lost an entire 6 year old child! How the hell did THAT happen?
Some people are starting to really notice, which is good, and weird and embarrassing.  Others seem blissfully unaware of the fact that I HAVE LOST THE EQUIVALENT OF A SIX YEAR OLD CHILD!  Come on now - that has got to be worth a compliment or two - you know who you are! ( And if you don't, you should - you really should!)

This love/hate relationship with compliments is just one of the things I am trying to figure out as I learn to live into this new-ish body of mine.  This should help me stay motivated, but it really doesn't - I am one of those people that really needs to be internally motivated to get off my butt.  Frankly, the feeling unwell thing is getting a little tired, so I need to regroup and refocus on what my goals are and reset my intention to live this lifestyle everyday - even when I am tired, sick or just too darn lazy.

It is really great to hear compliments ( and thank you - it is very nice of you!), and the fact that people are noticing my weight loss is great, but ultimately, it is up to me to keep this going, and no amount of compliments are going to keep me eating clean and working out.  Only I can do that ( which is quite unfortunate, because the other way seems much friendlier, and a LOT less work for me!)

Tomorrow I leave for a four week vacation - starting with presenting at a Doula Conference in Cancun ( can you say holy crap I have to wear a bathing suit in public!), followed by family time in Alberta, leading a mixed media course at Naramata Centre, and more family time in the Okanagan,.

It will be busy, but lots of fun and time for learning and reconnecting with family and friends.  I will be working out on the road, and posting pics and hopefully videos of my workout adventures as I go - I figure this will keep me somewhat accountable and on track while away.  It should be pretty hilarious actually, since I am completely lacking in technical abilities, and I hate seeing myself on film or in photos.  (Yes, I know -  this is a topic for another blog post, or therapy, or both!)

So stay tuned - I have another 6 months of this year of transformation - and a lifetime of living healthy. Thanks for sticking with me so far -  here's to the next leg of the journey!!!

Back in the land of the living. . .

I know, I know - it has been almost a MONTH since my last blog post.  I have a good excuse ( or excuses) -  really.

You know when you have these amazing plans and goals and you are super stoked to achieve them?  Such a great feeling to have goals and have a plan for reaching them.  That is how I was feeling at the beginning of June.  What a different a month makes!

June began with the continutation of a nagging back injury.  This sucked, but did not seem insurmountable.  This was followed by the discovery of a small, unusual mole on my shoulder, which had to removed and biopsied on really short notice.  Fortunately, everything was ok - it turned out to be nothing too serious, and because they were able to remove all of it, I felt truly blessed to have not had to face something much more serious and scary. 

During all of this, I gotta say my motivation was waning - trying to keep up with workouts and my healthy eating plan was really tough.  I fell off the wagon, more than once.  My self confidence felt like it was at an all time low.  I was disappointed in my progress, and really disappointed in myself.
I struggled with quitting - I wanted to - but was scared of dispoointing people, afraid of failing.  Not a happy place.

In the midst of this unhappy place, I developed an infection in my colon, caused by diverticular disease.  I hadn't had an attack for two years, and in spite of my healthy lifestyle and high fibre diet, it snuck up on me.  Before I knew it, I was hospitalized with iv antibiotics to try to deal with the infection, and major pain killers to control the nasty pain.  I had a reaction to the antibiotics and another one was tried.  After 5 days in hospital, I was released on a fluid only diet, which hopefully will be done the week.

It's been a crappy month - literally.  I am tired, I don't have much energy, and my transition back to a high fibre, healthy diet full of fruits and vegetables will be a long road.  it pretty much made we want to just give in to the emotions, to give in to my desire to just give up on this journey and feel miserable and sorry for myself.  I still have those moments, those days.

I went back to the gym this morning.  My trainer James helped ease me back into working out, after what seems like forever.  I guess the good thing is that I actually missed working out - my head really wanted to work out, even when I felt my worst.  That is defintiely progress.

The folks at the gym have been awesome - encouraging me and helping me to figure out a new plan, based on where I am at right now.  The reality is that sh*t happens - life isn't always easy, and roadblocks will appear.  If I want to be successful making changes in the long term, I better learn how to manouver the roadblocks, or this will never be sustainable over the long haul.

So I am still here, a little battered, pretty tired and a little bit scared of what is before me, in terms of  following through with my plan and goals given my current situation.  There are always people with bigger struggles than me, and I am so lucky to have terrific people at BDHQ, and wonderful families and friends to support me as I continue on.

I still plan to run my half marathon in the fall - even if I have to walk more than run - I will complete it.  And I will figure out how to eat both for the disease and for my health.  It is totally doable.

So that is where I have been for the last month.  July has got to be better - and I can`t wait to share all of my adventures with you - and I hope I will be funnier next month - or I won`t have any followers to whine to!

What scares me. . .

So, I am part of a 21 day challenge where I am supposed to do one thing that scares me.  I have until next Monday to do it.  I have really had a  hard time figuring this one out, despite the fact that many things scare me - and on a regular basis.  For example:

Or this:

Or this:

I am more scared of Snooki than the shark, by the way.

Haha - I am an expert at hiding my fears behind a quick joke or smartass comment - the scariest thing of all is to admit how scared I actually am. 

What am I scared of?  Now that's a little complicated.  I was challenged this week to look at what is stopping me from meeting my goals, from continuing on in my lifestyle change, from putting myself first and really committing to this work.  It sucks to be asked the hard questions.  I t sucks even more to actually try and answer them in an honest way.  But here goes. . .

I am scared to fail.  Really scared.  What if I have put this all out there, and at the end of it all I am still the fat, unhealthy and unhappy chub that I was in January.  Will people roll their eyes and whisper "I told you so"?  Will they nod and say "I figured she couldn't follow through"?  What if I do all this and nothing changes?  Or worse - what if I do all this and EVERYTHING changes?

As much as I am scared to fail, I am also scared to succeed!  Nuts, right?  Why I possibly be scared of succeeding?  Well, being fat is a bit of a shield for me - keeps me safe, provides an excuse for a whole lotta things, and provides me with a handy dandy reason for not facing the myriad of issues that I ( and everyone) has  - I mean, why not blame it on being fat?  Health problems?  Too Fat.  Not exercising?  Too fat.  Relationship issues?  Too Fat.  Crappy day?  Must be because I am fat.

It has been a convenient safety net for a long time, and it has allowed me to avoid some the less pleasant aspects of myself under the guise of - "if I was skinny, I would have a better wardrobe, more money,  no parenting struggles, no disagreements with my spouse, a better life!"  Sounds a bit like an ad for a weight loss pill or shake, doesn't it?  But there is no magic something to help me lose weight, and there is no magic weight that will make my life perfect.  Both are unrealistic ideas whose time is past.  But I still want to hold on to the fat so I don't have to face those things.  Looking that deep is really , really hard.  No wonder I am scared to lose weight!

Fortunately, I am already having to face the hard questions - it is a necessary part of this process.  And it is damn scary.  I wish it were easy, but nothing worth anything ever is.  And doing this in a public way holds me accountable - so being afraid to publicly fail is just part of the deal and I am slowly getting over it and ultimately I will succeed because of that accountability, or maybe in spite of it.

So back to that 21 day challenge - the one where I have to do something that scares me - I guess I don't really have to think of anything to do now -  I think, maybe, I just did it.

Inspiration (and new photos)

After last week's hurtful comments from the unnamed idiot, I have much support from friends, family and supporters near and far.  Thank you.  You have no idea how much it means to have the ongoing encouragement and support I have from so many.  You keep me going.  And keeping going has been tough the last couple of months.

It's one thing to do this for a short period of time - I have done that MANY times before.  That is precisely why I have gained so much weight - yo yo dieting and periodic bouts of exercise do not a fit and healthy woman make.  But making the changes to my lifestyle are hard, and difficult to maintain when things get rough, and I hit unexpected obstacles like emotional struggles, illness and injuries.  And I have had my fair share of the last two ( and some of the first!) over the past couple of months.

Stress at work, bronchitis and more recently a back/hip flexor problem that has halted my running plan and forced me to adapt my workouts has made sticking with this whole lifestyle change pretty hard.  In fact, I seriously thought about throwing in the towel this week.  Lucky for me, inspiration comes in many forms.

I have some amazing support and encouragement from my friends at Body Dynamics Headquarters - the folks who got me into all this!  I can't say enough about how great they are.  And they put a new photo up at the gym that surprised me - you can check it out HERE, along with some incredible stories from some of the people I have gotten to know - they are truly inspiring!  As I train alongside them, I realize that I am not alone on this journey, and I can learn so much from those who have been there - that inspiration has made a huge difference in my attitude and kept me going when I really wanted to quit.  ( Also many nagging emails, texts, call and facebook messages - I respond well to threats! )

And yesterday we were at the Oak Bay High School track for our Monday night workout.  We were so lucky to be training alongside some special athletes who were getting ready for Operation Trackshoes - a Special Olympics program for track athletes.  Now that is inspiration - here I was, crabby, defeated and complaining about my sore back while these amazing athletes worked their butts off  - many with physical challenges, as well as developmental delays.  Helped me with some perspective, let me tell you!

Finally, I have an amazing friend who is going through treatment for brain cancer right now.  She epitomizes inspiration - a craniotomy to remove a tumour, now radiation and chemo, and through it all she has remained strong, positive and never fails to send me happy thoughts to encourage me along in MY journey.  Debbie - you are a freaking rockstar - and you inspire me everyday to get off my ass and live every minute.  Thank you.

So - inspiration IS everywhere - as long as you take the time to look.  Thank you to the many who inspire me on my journey.  I have posted some new photos on my progress page.  I don't see a huge difference on the outside, but I am definitely changing on the inside - and those are the best changes of all.  And that's just a little inspiring.

Sticks and Stones . . .

Let me start with a warning - I will definitely be using some unkind words in this post.  If that offends you, then stop reading right now and go back to Pinterest!

Someone (who I would love to name because she is a total idiot, and the world should know it) asked me the following question today:

"Are you disappointed that you haven't lost more weight? - I mean I would have thought you would have lost at least 50 pounds by now - why do you keep doing it when you aren't getting results?"

Whoosh - the sound of my exhale after basically being hit in the stomach.  Thanks so much - your support and encouragement are very much appreciated - NOT!  I was actually speechless - and for those of you who know me, you know that this is an occurrence which happens about as frequently as hell freezing over.  To my utter disgust, my eyes welled up and I just had to walk away - straight to the washroom to try and pull myself together.  All of a sudden I was once again the fat woman in the mirror - out of shape, depressed, and completely lacking in self confidence.  The power of hurtful words is incredible.

How do I respond to a comment like that - loaded as it was with criticism and disrespect?   What I wanted to say was:  "Are you disappointed that you are still such a bitch?  I mean, I would have thought that you would have found some respect and compassion - why do you keep being mean when it does such damage?"  But I didn't - the queen of the snappy comeback had no comeback today.

I have spent a lot of years feeling as though I am not enough - not skinny enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, or sexy enough, or, or, or. . .  It is a really miserable place to live and it impacted every area of my life for a good part of my life.  I am so happy that I don't live there anymore, that I have moved on from that negative place to a place of confidence and happiness. At least most of the time.

Am I disappointed I haven't lost at least 50 pounds - well it would be nice, but I didn't put the pounds on in 4 months, so I don't expect to lose them in 4 months.  Anything worth doing takes time.  And I am mostly happy with my progress - I look and feel a lot different from this crabby person:

I have worked out harder than I ever have, I am learning to eat to fuel my body instead of cope with my emotions, and last week I ran a 10K.  I wasn't the fastest - but I finished:

Check out the 10K evidence here!

Two days ago I registered to run a half marathon in October - a HALF MARATHON, people! 

I never, ever would have believed I would be doing any of this 4 months ago - these are the results that matter to me - and I am damn proud of my "lack of progress".

So in answer to the rude question of the day - why do I do this? 



That's the kinda progress I am talking about.  So watch your back, rude person - my legs are strong from kicking so much ass!

Celebration Time - Come on!

Yeah, baby!  It's a celebration!  I reached not one, but two milestones this week - so after a month of whining and complaining, I have a lot to be grateful for today!

First - I finally passed the 30 pound milestone - as of this am - I am down 31 pounds.  The last 10 have been hard fought - my body is adjusting to the new eating plan and the exercise, so I have to eat smarter and work harder now.  And keeping the motivation has been super challenging - because, well, basically I am a lazy butt and would really rather eat chocolate and watch TV.  It's the truth - but I am changing and that is something I can feel in myself that cannot be measured by a scale.  I bought myself a new pair of pants - size 18 - which while still awfully large to some, is a size I have not worn in a very long time and I am super glad to finally be outta the 20's!!!

The other milestone was running the TC10K.  This was a a big emotional milestone for me - because even though I had run it before, I really, really, deep down want to be a runner - even though I find the training tough and it seems like a really big ass goal.

I had pretty much given up on the thought of running it, as I had signed up in January and hadn't really done as much run training as I wanted to do.  That, coupled with a nasty bout of bronchitis that has knocked me off my feet for two weeks ( I was finally cleared to exercise as of yesterday!) felt like the TC10K just wasn't gonna happen this year for me.

But with the amazing support from my gang at BDHQ, the best playlist ever courtesy of Hannah Green, and the continual encouragement of the one and only Lovisa, I was able to complete the 10K this morning.

It wasn't pretty, and it wasn't fast, and I didn't run every step of the way.  It went more like this:

Starting Line:    What the hell am I doing here and where is my coffee?

Kilometer 1:      Woohoo - I am rockstar!  Look at me BDHQers - I am running the TC10K

Kilometer 2:       I found my groove - I can do this!

Kilometer 3:       Whose idea was this?

Kilometer 4:       I could be sleeping right now, instead of sweating like a pig.

Kilometer 5:       Halfway and I haven't puked - yippee!

Kilometer 6:       Your encouragement is awesome, Lovisa, now please shut up and just let me walk.

Kilometer 7:        View?  What view?  I am busy dying here, and yes, I know Terry                      
                            Fox ran a marathon every day on one leg - I am not Terry Fox  I am far too lazy
                            and  self centred and sorry for myself to be Terry Fox.  Yes, I see the Terry Fox
                            memorial.  It's awesome, no really, it is.

Kilometer 8:         Just finish.  You just have to finish.

Kilometer 9:         I may actually finish.  And I am bloody well gonna sprint the last block - it's go     
                             time!   Check me out everyone!

Kilometer 10:      Holy crap - I just ran 10K - Woohoo - I am a rockstar - I am awesome -
                         
                                                                    I am a runner.

I feel amazing - I never would have believed a few months ago that I would be running again, that I would be minus pounds and inches and plus better health and a renewed sense of of accomplishment and belief in myself.   So, yes, I am celebrating - bring on the ice and the Epsom Salts - we got a party going on right here, and it feels great!

She's like the wind. . .

Or at least a light breeze.  I started running again.  For realz, as Ben would say.  Actual one foot in front of the other, pounding on pavement, wearing tights kinda running.  I know - scary!

It's been a while since I last hit the road.  I first started running when we moved here from Alberta.  I was still in the honeymoon phase of loving the rainy ( not snowy) winter and figured, why not start running?  It helped that I was a stay at home mom to four kids 7 and under and knew almost no one.  It was a social thing.  A prevent me from becoming a sociopath thing.  So I started running by joining a TC10K clinic.

I discovered I kinda liked the whole running thing.  I liked how it made me feel, how I could just think, and run and ache and no one bugged me.  I loved how, well, FREE I felt.  It was fun. 

So I kept running for about 2 years, until my running partners got pregnant and had kids of their own, and I started working outside the home and we somehow all got busy and stopped running.  But I secretly missed it - even as my weight ballooned and the thought of putting on my shoes and hitting the trails seemed like a distant memory.

I am running again.  It's harder this time - I am 8 years older, heavier, and I have a bit of an attitude ( I know - hard to believe, right???!!!)  In my head, I am a runner - my body begs to differ.

I am pretty sure there is nothing quite so unattractive as an, ahem - "woman of substance" in running tights looking like she is trying to catch up with the ice cream truck that left her behind.  Hair wet with sweat ( like a rainstorm that hit only me), red faced and probably about to have a heart attack ( I'm not, really, I am just fine!), jiggling and bouncing along ( yes, I spent the money on a big girl bra - Oprah was right - it was worth every penny)  I am not as graceful, or as pretty or as powerful as most of the runners out there.  And frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

When I hit the trail for the first time in a very long time, it felt, well, pretty great.  I remembered that sense of freedom and play and joy, and even though my muscles screamed in agony with pretty much every step, I remembered why I liked it.  And even when I got home and later in the day could hardly move from the agony of using muscles that hadn't been used in that way for a long time, I still remembered why I like it.  My hips hurt, my knees ached, my quads complained - a lot.  But it wasn't as bad as when I started before.  My fitness has improved - I don't huff and puff as much as I did just a few months ago, and I am recovering pretty quickly - my muscles must be remembering, too.  That is a good thing, because I have a feeling they are about to get quite a workout over the next few months.

I will definitely have a 10K in my future, and I am even looking down the road at, dare I say it out loud - a half marathon.  Now that is a scary goal. I have wanted to do one for a really long time, but I never until now believed that it may actually be possible.  Now I believe.  So I guess it is about time I did it.  For realz.

Waitin' on the groove train

Has anyone seen my groove?  Because I am pretty sure I have lost it.  Lately I have been floundering a bit, and my motivation, along with my groove appears to have disappeared. 

Since I reached my 25 pound milestone, I seem to be a bit of a slacker.  Life has been super busy, and apparently in my little weight loss world busy gives me sufficient excuse to start to ease off a bit on my workouts and begin to not be quite so tight with my food.  Hence the groove loss.Basically, I am a pretty lazy person - I have to work at getting my butt out of bed to go to workouts. And while I always feel amazing after I am done, I cannot honestly say that I leap out of bed every morning shouting "I get to work out today!"  More like "what the hell am I doing up this early wearing form fitting clothing in public??"  So losing my rhythm means its just that much harder to get myself to workouts.  And that is not good.

As for the eating, well, it is surprising simple to slip in bites of this and a taste of that, especially the things that are on my "avoid at all costs because I have no will power against any type of COBS bread" list.  They seem like small things, but they all add up to a slowed weight loss and a shrinking commitment to eat clean all day, everyday. 

Last Monday I started a new program at BDHQ called Biggest Winners.  It is a 12 week program that is group based and includes classes and coaching and nutrition support - another amazing opportunity.  I have to admit to finding it hard to shift gears into a group setting, but I am hoping it will help me refocus and recommit to the lifestyle I want and need to get healthy and stay that way! 

Maintaining this lifestyle transformation over the long haul is going to be tough, but frankly I am tougher.  I have to be. ( That's my story and I am sticking to it!)  I am going to be successful - groove or no groove.  But if you happen to find that groove of mine along YOUR way - please send it MY way - I need all the help I can get!

One more reason

It's almost time.  Fastball time, that is.  I love this time of year, when I gear up to coach a wonderful group of girls that have been a part of my spring for the past seven years.

Being a coach for this group of U16 girls means a lot to me.  They are a huge reason why I wanted to get healthy and make this transformation. As a girl I played fastball, and it was an important part of my athletic life.  I loved the girls on my team, the crack of a bat, crouching behind home plate as a catcher.  It was my first experience as an athlete, and I loved how I felt when I played.

When my oldest daughter Hannah was 8, we enrolled her in fastball and I agreed to be an assistant coach. Somehow along the way I became "Coach J".  Seven years later, I am still coaching most of the same girls, with a few wonderful additions. Last year, coaching was tough - doing the things I needed to do as a coach were becoming increasingly difficult because of my size, and I realized that if I wanted to be a positive role model for this group of exceptional young women, I needed to make a plan to get healthy.

I want these girls to have fun as they play, make good friends and develop their individual skills as ball players.  I also want them to become good team players, fair minded competitors and to develop the confidence needed to take them forward into their adult lives.  Our team motto:  Have Fun, Do  Your Best, and Play Fair are important values that I want them to embrace.  It's pretty hard to be good role model for health and fitness as a lifetime pursuit when you are overweight and out of shape.

I really love this group of girls - they are fun, amazing and inspire me to do my best to help them grow.  I am excited this year that I can share some of what I am learning about health and fitness with them, and show them that change is possible - even for their rather rotund coach. They are one more reason for me to make these changes in my life - I want to be better for them, as well as for myself.

They should, however, be just a tiny bit afraid - I have learned from the best how to work my butt off, and they better be ready for some of the same!  No more slacking during runs - I may just be able to catch at least a few of them!

I can't wait for the season to begin - this year is sure to be our best ever.

Confessions from the Scale...part two....

I reached a milestone today, and I am so happy about it!  I have officially lost 25 pounds, and I am feeling pretty darn excited about it.  After a month of whining and complaining, the scale finally started to move. About bloody time, I say.

To celebrate this momentous occasion, I opted not to eat a whole pile of crap, which I seriously used to to do.  Kinda crazy - lose some weight but celebrate by eating back the weight you just lost!!  So conditioned to celebrate everything with food.  I also used to use a weigh in as my excuse to spend the day overeating -  you know - weigh in, so then you have a whole week til your next weigh in, so it is totally OK to cheat on weigh in day - right?  Right?  I mean, I am gonna lose it over the week. . .  Or perhaps you have never done that.  I absolutely have, leading to a cycle of starvation and bingeing that is physically creating crazy insulin swings, and basically putting myself on an emotional food roller coaster.  You know the one - where you are up and then down, on your "diet", then off, exercising like mad, and then not at all.   I really hate roller coasters.  They scare me - I always feel too out of control - hmmmmm - out of control - maybe there really is a connection.  So no more roller coasters for me.  They make me barf. 

This time, I am celebrating with a new page on my blog called "My Progress in Photos".  This will serve as a visual journal of my progress ( or not, as the month may be!).  Here you get to check out my glamour shots month by month ( I'm too sexy for this blog, too sexy. . .).  They might not actually be glamorous, but frankly for a camera phobe like myself, its a pretty big deal to let it all hang out ( literally!) in a series of photos that everyone can see.  You can access the link by clicking here or by clicking on the sidebar link under "Pages".  Some months the changers might be big, other months, small - but all are just one step on the road to transformation. 

And that's a ride that is better than a roller coaster any day!