What scares me. . .

So, I am part of a 21 day challenge where I am supposed to do one thing that scares me.  I have until next Monday to do it.  I have really had a  hard time figuring this one out, despite the fact that many things scare me - and on a regular basis.  For example:

Or this:

Or this:

I am more scared of Snooki than the shark, by the way.

Haha - I am an expert at hiding my fears behind a quick joke or smartass comment - the scariest thing of all is to admit how scared I actually am. 

What am I scared of?  Now that's a little complicated.  I was challenged this week to look at what is stopping me from meeting my goals, from continuing on in my lifestyle change, from putting myself first and really committing to this work.  It sucks to be asked the hard questions.  I t sucks even more to actually try and answer them in an honest way.  But here goes. . .

I am scared to fail.  Really scared.  What if I have put this all out there, and at the end of it all I am still the fat, unhealthy and unhappy chub that I was in January.  Will people roll their eyes and whisper "I told you so"?  Will they nod and say "I figured she couldn't follow through"?  What if I do all this and nothing changes?  Or worse - what if I do all this and EVERYTHING changes?

As much as I am scared to fail, I am also scared to succeed!  Nuts, right?  Why I possibly be scared of succeeding?  Well, being fat is a bit of a shield for me - keeps me safe, provides an excuse for a whole lotta things, and provides me with a handy dandy reason for not facing the myriad of issues that I ( and everyone) has  - I mean, why not blame it on being fat?  Health problems?  Too Fat.  Not exercising?  Too fat.  Relationship issues?  Too Fat.  Crappy day?  Must be because I am fat.

It has been a convenient safety net for a long time, and it has allowed me to avoid some the less pleasant aspects of myself under the guise of - "if I was skinny, I would have a better wardrobe, more money,  no parenting struggles, no disagreements with my spouse, a better life!"  Sounds a bit like an ad for a weight loss pill or shake, doesn't it?  But there is no magic something to help me lose weight, and there is no magic weight that will make my life perfect.  Both are unrealistic ideas whose time is past.  But I still want to hold on to the fat so I don't have to face those things.  Looking that deep is really , really hard.  No wonder I am scared to lose weight!

Fortunately, I am already having to face the hard questions - it is a necessary part of this process.  And it is damn scary.  I wish it were easy, but nothing worth anything ever is.  And doing this in a public way holds me accountable - so being afraid to publicly fail is just part of the deal and I am slowly getting over it and ultimately I will succeed because of that accountability, or maybe in spite of it.

So back to that 21 day challenge - the one where I have to do something that scares me - I guess I don't really have to think of anything to do now -  I think, maybe, I just did it.