Oh my aching. . .

This getting healthy thing is a pain in the ass.  Don't get me wrong, I want to do this, and I definitely need to do this, but I had kinda forgotten that it is actually a lot of work! It requires planning and forethought, not exactly my superpowers ( those tend to be more in the areas of BS detecting and identifying the sketch factor in the boyfriends of the lovely women I work with.  But I digress. . .)

Case in point, I now have to actually THINK about what food I put in my mouth  - no more random snacks and mindless ( and carefree!) eating.  I also have to find the appropriate balance between being mindful and being a crazy psycho woman who is addicted to the food tracker on my crapberry.  There IS a happy medium, I am sure of it.  Now to find it. . .

I also am back to packing my lunch, rather than using the "I don't have a lunch" excuse to eat those tasty treats of the devil known as french fries.  This also means I have to actually THINK (there's that word again!) about what I want for lunch and prepare it in advance!  No more excuses.  Sigh.

And then there is the little thing called exercise - in my cutesy moments I call it "Fitting in Fitness", which pretty much makes me want to throw up.  I do need to figure out how to fit it in - so easy to give it a pass at the end of the day and mornings are pretty challenging.  I am currently walking at lunch.  Grudgingly, very grudgingly.  ( I am still pouting that I cannot run, but that is a story for another post. . you are welcome!)

I am slowly improving - not perfect by any stretch, but I am getting back in the rhythm of living a healthier lifestyle.  Yes, it is indeed a pain in my rather large butt, however, it is always better to be sore from doing something, instead of nothing!  At least that is my story, and I am sticking to it!

Happy New Year. . .

Fall is a time for new beginnings.  The changing leaves, the start of school, the return to routine after a carefree summer - all of these signal a time of renewal for me, even more so that the actual new year, or even the newness of spring.  I am need of a fresh start, and now is as good a time as any, and perhaps the perfect time.

I admit it, I have been struggling.  Trying to stay positive, pretending not to notice how tight my clothes have become, how the effects of prednisone are revealing themselves in my ever expanding body, feeling defeated, and sore and tired.  SO very tired.  I hate feeling this way.  I don't like pasting on a smile and pretending that things will all be well, when deep inside I feel as though they will never again be truly "well".  I hate being that miserable, sorry for herself fat chick that doesn't exercise and eats to hide her feelings.  Been there, done that.  It's time for a change.  A fresh start.  Refocus.

So, I am back blogging.  It is a start.  It helps me stay focused on getting healthy.  I talked with a dietitian today, who politely pointed out that I am clearly overeating, and that only some of the weight gain can be attributed to drugs.  Damn her honesty!  She is right, and helped me to identify areas that need changes, and we began to design a path to make that happen.  Aquafit beckons.  I need to pull up my (very!) big girl panties and join the old gals at the pool.  And move a bit more everyday, even if I still hurt, even thought the multitude of medications I am taking (5 for RA, see below) aren't quite working just yet. They will.  I have to trust that.  And if they don't, I will have to try something else.

So Happy New Year!  Thanks for hanging in with me during the season of misery.  Hopefully, my humour will return when I get my ass off the couch.  Maybe you want to join me - a fresh start is always a good thing - a return to a fitness routine lost through the summer, or back to healthy eating after a summer of treats.  Maybe you want to quit smoking - why wait til January?  It is a new year today - let's start today.  I will if you will.

Now I am off to toast the New Year with a glass of something sparkling, that may or may not be champagne.  I am not telling!

Oh The Changes I've Made!

I am not known for my cooking abilities-in fact it is the complete opposite. I am notorious for my lack of cooking aptitude. I don't dig cooking, I am not really that good at it, and it is a LOT of effort I would rather put elsewhere! ( Like napping, resting, or sleeping!)

 Enter my spouse. In have joked for years that I married him for his cooking-you can probably guess that while I don't love cooking, I really love eating. Mark is a fabulous cook, as our many dinner guests over the years will attest. He makes amazing Indian, Greek and Asian food-which is incredibly tasty - and often not quite as healthy as is required by my current healthy lifestyle! (Sorry, my love!)

Over the past year I have tried to develop my cooking skills and have managed to develop quite a repertoire of healthy meals. I secretly have started to enjoy cooking (well, not so secretly, now!). Previously, when Mark has had to be at a meeting or out of town, I have relied on chicken fingers and fries, take out pizza, or a trip to McD's. Gross, but true.

Earlier this week our family was having a discussion about Mark's upcoming trip to the Middle East. It went something like this:

 Ben(my 13 yr old): Who's gonna cook when dad is away?

 Me: I will-unless you are planning to!

 Emily(my 12 year old): You? Oh no!

 Me: Gee thanks Em-what's the problem with me?

 Emily: You are going make us eat healthy (accompanied by major grimace)

 Mark: I cook healthy! (Accompanied by major grimace)

 Emily: But dad, mom is SERIOUSLY healthy-like hardcore. We'll die.

I almost cried I was so happy!! Seriously- it was worth Mark's annoyance at being the less healthy cook in the house! My kids now see me as hardcore healthy, and that never would have happened a year ago!


It reminded me again that change happens over time, and that it often is the little changes made that add up to the bigger shift in lifestyle and perspective.

So in preparation for being chief cook for a month, I have been scanning healthy cookbooks and websites for new recipes. Something with a little tofu, perhaps, or Chia seeds-after all, I AM hardcore!

Moderation

So, now that the hoopla of Christmas and New Year's is over, the hard work begins.  And let's face it, it will definitely be hard work.  After the sugar and fat high that was the holiday season ( for me anyway - I am sure none of you ever let anything unhealthy pass your lips ;) ) is over, the reality of what it means to eat healthy and work out regularly has hit.  And it's only week one.  

Eliminating all that nasty white stuff from my diet ( AGAIN!) has left me a little on the grumpy side ( my family might say a LOT on the grumpy side), and tired, sluggish and headache-y. You know the foods I mean:  white bread, white rice, potatoes (baked, mashed, fries, chips), pasta, cereal, anything breaded or batter dipped (e.g., fried chicken, shrimp tempura), cereal, and anything made with white flour or sugar.  You know, the yummy stuff that makes you feel all warm and cozy inside - until it burns through your body and makes you crash and start all over again.  

The impact of removing it from my diet should tell me that white carbs and sugar cannot be good for me - so I am glad I am eliminating it.  But it sure is tough - and let me hasten to say that I am  NOT engaged in a war on carbs - just the white ones!  Healthy carbs like veggies, whole grains, legumes and fruit are tasty and nutritious!  And they don't give me a sugar hangover.

Healthy fats are also good - unhealthy transfats and extra added fat that has no nutritional value is on my avoid list.

I refuse to give up caffeine, but I am down from drinking  a pot and a half a day to about three (alright, four) cups ( thank you Keurig - and yes, I do have a reusable filter for my machine, so I don't have to drink the little disposable ones - so don't go all eco crusader on me please - but I do drink the little disposable ones sometimes, ok, a little more frequently than sometimes :S).

Moderation is the key for me this year.  I am not really known for my ability to be moderate - ask my husband, or my friends, or anyone who has ever been on the receiving end of one of my impromptu sermons on one social justice issue or another.  I am trying to learn.

This has to be sustainable - when I go to the extreme I am not actually being healthy, and I usually end up feeling deprived, and in the case of fitness - injured.  So this year, I am aiming for balance.  ( I can hardly write that without cracking up - because really, I am as unbalanced as they come!)

I am even going to try yoga - balance and moderation, balance and moderation, balance and moderation.  . . fake it til I make it, fake it til I make it. . . fake it til I make it!

Motivation, where art thou???

I am back - no, I really mean it this time.  I have been a bit of a blogging slacker, along with a bit of a workout slacker, and a general engaging in life slacker.  Not cool, but true.

This thing about staying motivated over the long haul is that it is kind of a pain in the ass.  Actually it is not KIND OF a pain in the ass.  It is a gigantic pain in the ass.  Imagine expecting me to stick with this not just for a week or two, or a month or six, but well, forever.  Surprisingly, this is hard work - even harder now than at the beginning, when I was full of wide eyed wonder and excitement.

I am down 44 pounds and about 43 inches.  The equivalent of your average 6 year old ( 46 pounds and 42 inches tall!)  OMG - I 've lost an entire 6 year old child! How the hell did THAT happen?
Some people are starting to really notice, which is good, and weird and embarrassing.  Others seem blissfully unaware of the fact that I HAVE LOST THE EQUIVALENT OF A SIX YEAR OLD CHILD!  Come on now - that has got to be worth a compliment or two - you know who you are! ( And if you don't, you should - you really should!)

This love/hate relationship with compliments is just one of the things I am trying to figure out as I learn to live into this new-ish body of mine.  This should help me stay motivated, but it really doesn't - I am one of those people that really needs to be internally motivated to get off my butt.  Frankly, the feeling unwell thing is getting a little tired, so I need to regroup and refocus on what my goals are and reset my intention to live this lifestyle everyday - even when I am tired, sick or just too darn lazy.

It is really great to hear compliments ( and thank you - it is very nice of you!), and the fact that people are noticing my weight loss is great, but ultimately, it is up to me to keep this going, and no amount of compliments are going to keep me eating clean and working out.  Only I can do that ( which is quite unfortunate, because the other way seems much friendlier, and a LOT less work for me!)

Tomorrow I leave for a four week vacation - starting with presenting at a Doula Conference in Cancun ( can you say holy crap I have to wear a bathing suit in public!), followed by family time in Alberta, leading a mixed media course at Naramata Centre, and more family time in the Okanagan,.

It will be busy, but lots of fun and time for learning and reconnecting with family and friends.  I will be working out on the road, and posting pics and hopefully videos of my workout adventures as I go - I figure this will keep me somewhat accountable and on track while away.  It should be pretty hilarious actually, since I am completely lacking in technical abilities, and I hate seeing myself on film or in photos.  (Yes, I know -  this is a topic for another blog post, or therapy, or both!)

So stay tuned - I have another 6 months of this year of transformation - and a lifetime of living healthy. Thanks for sticking with me so far -  here's to the next leg of the journey!!!

Back in the land of the living. . .

I know, I know - it has been almost a MONTH since my last blog post.  I have a good excuse ( or excuses) -  really.

You know when you have these amazing plans and goals and you are super stoked to achieve them?  Such a great feeling to have goals and have a plan for reaching them.  That is how I was feeling at the beginning of June.  What a different a month makes!

June began with the continutation of a nagging back injury.  This sucked, but did not seem insurmountable.  This was followed by the discovery of a small, unusual mole on my shoulder, which had to removed and biopsied on really short notice.  Fortunately, everything was ok - it turned out to be nothing too serious, and because they were able to remove all of it, I felt truly blessed to have not had to face something much more serious and scary. 

During all of this, I gotta say my motivation was waning - trying to keep up with workouts and my healthy eating plan was really tough.  I fell off the wagon, more than once.  My self confidence felt like it was at an all time low.  I was disappointed in my progress, and really disappointed in myself.
I struggled with quitting - I wanted to - but was scared of dispoointing people, afraid of failing.  Not a happy place.

In the midst of this unhappy place, I developed an infection in my colon, caused by diverticular disease.  I hadn't had an attack for two years, and in spite of my healthy lifestyle and high fibre diet, it snuck up on me.  Before I knew it, I was hospitalized with iv antibiotics to try to deal with the infection, and major pain killers to control the nasty pain.  I had a reaction to the antibiotics and another one was tried.  After 5 days in hospital, I was released on a fluid only diet, which hopefully will be done the week.

It's been a crappy month - literally.  I am tired, I don't have much energy, and my transition back to a high fibre, healthy diet full of fruits and vegetables will be a long road.  it pretty much made we want to just give in to the emotions, to give in to my desire to just give up on this journey and feel miserable and sorry for myself.  I still have those moments, those days.

I went back to the gym this morning.  My trainer James helped ease me back into working out, after what seems like forever.  I guess the good thing is that I actually missed working out - my head really wanted to work out, even when I felt my worst.  That is defintiely progress.

The folks at the gym have been awesome - encouraging me and helping me to figure out a new plan, based on where I am at right now.  The reality is that sh*t happens - life isn't always easy, and roadblocks will appear.  If I want to be successful making changes in the long term, I better learn how to manouver the roadblocks, or this will never be sustainable over the long haul.

So I am still here, a little battered, pretty tired and a little bit scared of what is before me, in terms of  following through with my plan and goals given my current situation.  There are always people with bigger struggles than me, and I am so lucky to have terrific people at BDHQ, and wonderful families and friends to support me as I continue on.

I still plan to run my half marathon in the fall - even if I have to walk more than run - I will complete it.  And I will figure out how to eat both for the disease and for my health.  It is totally doable.

So that is where I have been for the last month.  July has got to be better - and I can`t wait to share all of my adventures with you - and I hope I will be funnier next month - or I won`t have any followers to whine to!

It's Clean Up Time!

No, not THAT kind of clean up time - with 4 kids I personally have had enough of Barney to last a lifetime!  But I have been working on cleaning up my diet - eating clean, to be exact.  To be honest, I have been on a bit of a plateau over the past few weeks, which completely sucks, and I have been looking much more closely at my diet to try and figure out where I can tweak things to get losing again.  The exercise part of my program has been going pretty well - give or take a few workouts that almost killed me.  But I really struggle with eating well.  You know, making healthy choices every day, avoiding fast food, eating breakfast.  Sigh.  I LOVE food, and changing my orientation to eating is really a struggle.

I have been focusing on eating "clean", which is not a diet, but rather a way of eating that will be sustainable even after I lose weight.  Which I figure is a good plan, or I am just going to be back in the same place six months after my year is up.  Clean eating is really about  a lifestyle that focuses on eating healthy whole foods and avoiding crap.  Sadly, I love eating crap, so making the transition has been tough!

In a nutshell, eating clean is the practice of eating whole, natural foods such as fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and complex carbohydrates. It also means staying away from the junk that typically makes up the diet of Canadians and our neighbours to the south. ( And forget telling yourself that Americans are much worse - I have seen a lot of overfat people rolling around with me in the Great White North!)  These types of food include human-made sugar, bad fats (hydrogenated, trans-fat), preservatives, white bread, and any other ingredients that are unnecessary. An easy way to remember if a food is clean is: "if a human made it, don't eat it."

A person that eats clean generally practices the following:

• Eliminates refined sugar
• Cooks healthy meals
• Packs healthy meals
• Makes healthy choices when dining out
• Drinks a lot of water
• Eats 5-6 small meals per day
• Eliminates alcoholic beverages (or significantly limits it)
• Always eats breakfast

Sounds deceptively simple, but it is actually tough to break the addiction to processed foods and sugar, unhealthy fats and sodium.  Let's face it people - crap tastes really good.

I am finding it is pretty easy to eat well for a while, but frankly I am easily bored and have a short attention span, so the thought of another breast of chicken and salad makes me want to run screaming from the table.  Not to mention the fact that I HATE cooking and am not very good at it.

So I was chatting with my trainer Wendy today and she had some very helpful advice.  I was complaining about the boredom of eating clean, and she very nicely pointed out that maybe it was time to find excitement and variety in something other than food.  That maybe other things in my life could provide the entertainment that food often has provided.  Hmmmm.  You mean I might be using food as something other than the fuel it is intended to be?  ME???  Really???

I am not denying the pleasure of gathering around a table and enjoying a meal.  But the enjoyment is really in the gathering, and eating clean and healthy never gets in the way of that.  Good food can be healthy food - it just means being a little more creative and a lot less dependent on fat, salt and sugar to make me happy.  Wow.  Who knew that eating your veggies could be so profound?

So I am tweaking my diet - getting rid of some things and increasing some others, and looking for ways to make eating healthy all the time part of my life, rather than a chore to do because I want to lose weight.  Sigh.  To be honest it wounds like a lot of work, like most things worth doing, I guess.

So I might just have to start trading recipes and practicing my clean cooking skills.  Anyone want to get together to share healthy cooking ideas?

BAHAHAHAHHAHAHA - did you really fall for that?? I would rather do Christina's Filthy Fifty!!!

Good bye fast food, it's been nice to know you. . .

I admit it, I really like fast food.  Really, really like it.  It is a secret passion - embarrassing, yes, but oh so yummy!  That lovely combination of fat, highly refined carbs and sugar just does something to my brain chemistry.  I have, over the years, blamed my fast food habit on my lack of cooking skills, my hatred of grocery shopping, my busy life and the fact that I do a lot of outreach work in places like Tim Horton's and McDonald's.  ( although I am pretty sure I have not done 100 pounds worth of outreach work!!!)  Truth be told, however - it is really about filling up spaces that feel empty with the easiest available junk.

It's kind of insidious - for me there is a comfort in the familiar taste, and it requires nothing of me, unlike pesky problems or people in my life.  It makes me feel good, or better yet, feel nothing.  Eating to a state of numbness can be incredibly helpful when trying to avoid the above pesky problems and people in my life.  And what's not to love about the french fry?  Aside from the fact that it is loaded with salt and fat and the fact that it is made from an actual potato is sometimes questionable?

Giving up the fast food habit has been hard.  It's a crutch, one that I have used for a long while, so there are days when leaving it behind is really hard ( like drive by the drive through 5 times hard).  But so far, so good.  There is no doubt that I still think about every time I go by - it really is like an addiction - but now that I am filling up with love and family and self respect and music and joy and laughter, there is not a whole lotta room left over for crap.  Kinda amazing actually.  And I am even starting to really enjoy all the crunchy veggies and tasty protein and filling whole grains and fresh fruit.

 I feel healthy.  I feel happy.  I FEEL. Period.  And that tastes better than any french fry.




And if you haven't seen it yet - here is the video of all the winners of the BDHQ -Over contest - apparently I am the only one NOT excited, because I am just talking away about being fat and wanting to lose weight so I can be a better ball coach!