Back in the land of the living. . .

I know, I know - it has been almost a MONTH since my last blog post.  I have a good excuse ( or excuses) -  really.

You know when you have these amazing plans and goals and you are super stoked to achieve them?  Such a great feeling to have goals and have a plan for reaching them.  That is how I was feeling at the beginning of June.  What a different a month makes!

June began with the continutation of a nagging back injury.  This sucked, but did not seem insurmountable.  This was followed by the discovery of a small, unusual mole on my shoulder, which had to removed and biopsied on really short notice.  Fortunately, everything was ok - it turned out to be nothing too serious, and because they were able to remove all of it, I felt truly blessed to have not had to face something much more serious and scary. 

During all of this, I gotta say my motivation was waning - trying to keep up with workouts and my healthy eating plan was really tough.  I fell off the wagon, more than once.  My self confidence felt like it was at an all time low.  I was disappointed in my progress, and really disappointed in myself.
I struggled with quitting - I wanted to - but was scared of dispoointing people, afraid of failing.  Not a happy place.

In the midst of this unhappy place, I developed an infection in my colon, caused by diverticular disease.  I hadn't had an attack for two years, and in spite of my healthy lifestyle and high fibre diet, it snuck up on me.  Before I knew it, I was hospitalized with iv antibiotics to try to deal with the infection, and major pain killers to control the nasty pain.  I had a reaction to the antibiotics and another one was tried.  After 5 days in hospital, I was released on a fluid only diet, which hopefully will be done the week.

It's been a crappy month - literally.  I am tired, I don't have much energy, and my transition back to a high fibre, healthy diet full of fruits and vegetables will be a long road.  it pretty much made we want to just give in to the emotions, to give in to my desire to just give up on this journey and feel miserable and sorry for myself.  I still have those moments, those days.

I went back to the gym this morning.  My trainer James helped ease me back into working out, after what seems like forever.  I guess the good thing is that I actually missed working out - my head really wanted to work out, even when I felt my worst.  That is defintiely progress.

The folks at the gym have been awesome - encouraging me and helping me to figure out a new plan, based on where I am at right now.  The reality is that sh*t happens - life isn't always easy, and roadblocks will appear.  If I want to be successful making changes in the long term, I better learn how to manouver the roadblocks, or this will never be sustainable over the long haul.

So I am still here, a little battered, pretty tired and a little bit scared of what is before me, in terms of  following through with my plan and goals given my current situation.  There are always people with bigger struggles than me, and I am so lucky to have terrific people at BDHQ, and wonderful families and friends to support me as I continue on.

I still plan to run my half marathon in the fall - even if I have to walk more than run - I will complete it.  And I will figure out how to eat both for the disease and for my health.  It is totally doable.

So that is where I have been for the last month.  July has got to be better - and I can`t wait to share all of my adventures with you - and I hope I will be funnier next month - or I won`t have any followers to whine to!

Emotional Eating (aka) OMG I just ate an entire package of cinnamon buns.

This week was hard.  Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically.  Up til now I have managed to negotiate the "bumps" along my transformation journey without too much trouble.  There have been some tough moments, but this week it seemed like it was all tough moments.  And that, my friends, can be a recipe for disaster when you are an emotional eater.  And guess who is an emotional eater??

For many, many years I have eaten whatever pain or loss or angry feeling has come my way.  No wonder I managed to eat myself up to almost 270 pounds.  ( I do believe that anger and sadness weigh much more than fat - I think I should get a research grant to see if this is true!)  I am not really good at dealing with my "difficult" feelings, and am pretty much an expert at hiding them under all these layers of chub.  But now I can't do that anymore - or at least I am trying to choose not to do that any more.  And that is really, really hard.

This week I wasn't very successful.  And it hurts to admit, to put it out there for all to judge. A tough day at work was solved with fish and chips (which made me feel so ill that I was wishing I would throw up and put myself out of my misery!).  Some feelings of sadness were dealt with by a KitKat bar  ( so sweet and artificial tasting that I actually could only eat 3/4 of it - thank heaven for small mercies).  Angry?  Just try several tasty kinds of breads/carb loaded pastries for a quick fix.  I seriously felt like a junkie - eating and then trying to hide and deny to myself that I am not a user ( when in fact I really am a hardcore user of food).  It told me alot about myself that I try not to hear.  I am still an emotional eater, and I need to own it, forgive myself and get on with the business of transforming these unhealthy habits.

I would like to say I am no longer in a funk, but it seems to be hanging on.  Today though, instead of some bad food choices, I chose instead to work out.  I am still craving something nice and white and carbohydrate-ish, but I am going to sing instead (the bass section of my chorus will thank me).  And even though I have screwed up royally this week, I am not going to give up on all the hard work I have put into this journey so far, and use it as the "reason" I cannot be successful.  Because I am always going to have tough days at work, hurts and disappointments, and I know that there are healthier ways of dealing with them that do not include eating myself into a happy little sugar coma.

So I am starting fresh - thank goodness I get a new day every day!  And I feel better already - just sharing the struggle. 

 So, just in case you were thinking I was perfect in every way, I am not.  And that's ok with me.