Change is good, no really. . .

It has been a very long while since I posted.  Some of it is because I have just been busy and life has been full.  But a big part has been about what do I say?  I mean, this is supposed to be an inspirational blog that focuses on my journey to health.  And I haven't been feeling particularly healthy, and I certainly don't think I am inspirational in any way.  Especially lately.

Change is a difficult thing.  We say we want it, but when it comes right down to it, what we actually want is not  real change at all. We want all the surface changes - skinnier thighs, flatter stomach, less wrinkles, a happier life. . . but the real change, the deep, life altering change that shakes us to the core and reminds us of all the things we have been running from - now that is the kind of change that often remains elusive.

In May I was officially diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis - an autoimmune arthritis that is just not your grandma's arthritis.  It affects not only joints, but internal organs and eyes, and causes fatigue that is so far past tired it is hard to imagine.  I was not ready to hear it.  Even though it was "expected", it still slammed me.
And I was more than a little overwhelmed.  Try completely pissed off, frustrated and indignant.  After all - I had worked all of last year to "get healthy" - to lose some weight, to train for a half marathon, to feel good.  And now this.  The inevitable "why me?" crept in to my thoughts.

I am a few months past that now.  And although I can't answer "why me?", every day I am understanding more about myself, and this disease and what true health is.  And it ain't about a flat belly ( although that would be super fantastic!)

I have had to adjust my life - my priorities, my choices, balancing my energy and focusing on the things that are really important.  I get too tired to waste time on crap that is not truly a priority.  My awesome family, good friends, meaningful work, singing, coaching ball - these are the things that bring me joy and life and positive energy.  So that is where I put my time now.  I have learned to say "no" more often, and to put my feet up when I need to.  I am relearning how to eat healthy and focus on moving my body, not to get skinnier, but rather to improve my well being.  Despite the nasty drugs that make me pile on the weight I lost, and give me a lovely round moon face, I am trying to look at myself in a more holistic way, and to listen to my body.  Change my thinking, change my focus.  Real meaningful change that will actually improve my life and my health.  It is good.

I still get grumpy, I still wish I was training for a half marathon and not walking like an old lady and forcing myself to get to the pool and swim a lap or two.  I still choose to eat things that are bad for me.  But I am making healthy choices more often than unhealthy ones.  It is a winding path. This too is good.

So I have come to the conclusion that change is good - no really, it is.  Life is good, too.
And getting better each day.

Adjusting my sails.

It feels a bit like going to confession after a long while - "bless me it's been 3 weeks since my last blog post."

It has been a while, and my last post was not super positive, so I am really struggling with how to be both authentic to what is going on, as well as not being such a Debbie Downer that no one will ever want to read my blog again!  It is definitely not all doom and gloom, but things are different, and sometimes tough.

As you know from my last post, I am dealing with some kind of inflammatory arthritis - pretty sure that it is rheumatoid arthritis, but it needs to be confirmed by the rheumatologist (who I see in two weeks) .  I have to say the last few weeks have been a bit tough, as I get to know my limitations and look at balance and rest and activity in a brand new way.  Drugs help - and I am still somewhat inappropriately happy, as well as about 8 pounds heavier than I was a month ago ( thank you prednisone - NOT)

 

My sweet husband has been away on sabbatical in the middle east for the last 3 weeks - he comes home on Friday.  My awesome kids have been incredibly helpful, flexible and just plain fantastic.  It has been tiring, but overall I think we have done well - and yes I know there are amazing people who single parent all the time and my hat is off to each of you - I have always been in awe of how you do what you do.  For me, parenting alone, and adjusting to the limitations I have been experiencing lately, has been challenging and also an affirmation of my abilities as a parent - I do actually know what I am doing, and my kids didn't starve (a bonus since Mark does the cooking 90% of the time!).  Add that to the positive list!

On the not so positive list, I am having trouble adjusting to the limits that feeling as I do put on my life.  My pain is pretty well managed with the prednisone, as is the swelling, but my pesky feet and ankles don't really appreciate walking, climbing stairs or standing around coaching fastball.  The get cranky, and don't work as well as I would like.  I also get tired when I get too stressed or do too much - even when too much is very little.  This is really frustrating - even for someone like me who prefers to live life just this side of lazy.  It means I must be very aware of my energy levels, and adjust both my activity and my expectations based on that.

You can guess that I don't really like doing that.  I want to be able to maintain my somewhat crazy lifestyle - busy, full and chaotic.  I can't stand not being able to do what I want, when I want, just because my body is saying no.  But that is definitely the message - my body IS saying no, and like it or not I need to listen.  I can't actually ignore it this time.  That is the scary part, and it is the thing that is the hardest for me.  (For more on this - check out an awesome book When the Body Says No, by Gabor Matè.)

So I am adjusting.  It's a slow process, and it is a bit of a two steps forward, one step back kinda thing.  I will get there, I just need to remember to listen to my body and open my mind to a new way of doing - or more appropriately, a new way of being.  The winds are blowing - time to adjust the sails.

Happy Easter. . .

Happy Easter!  Or perhaps I should say "inappropriately Happy Easter!!  Lately, I've taken to being "inappropriately happy". I didn't even know you could be inappropriately happy - at least not until I looked up the side effects for the new medication I am on for the as yet undecided typed of arthritis I have been struggling with.  (The current thought is now Rheumatoid Arthritis- I see the rheumatologist in a few weeks - I am holding out for a weird virus or temporary something rare - rather than chronic auto immune disease)

Let's ponder that for a moment, shall we. . .  I feel like complete crap-joint pain, swelling, stiffness, fatigue beyond belief - and then I start a new medication that makes me feel, well, HUMAN, for the first time in weeks, and apparently I should be aware -  I can become inappropriately happy, as a result of taking this drug!  Thank you Captain Obvious!  This is not the side effect I am worried about, but good to let me know.  Just in case I need to dial down the happiness if it gets really out of control.

I am feeling better, I know it's somewhat temporary due primarily to the prednisone I am taking. That sh*t is powerful - and also destructive.  It eats away at bones, impairs sleep, raises blood pressure, and makes you cranky.  But, wow - it really works.  And at this point, I will take it.  Anything to have some semblance of my life back.

I am (very grudgingly) making some changes in my life.  Working less, sleeping more, practicing meditation -emphasis on the practice - "quieting my mind" may just be the hardest thing I am asked to do in a day.  I cannot put on a ball glove, which causes me a great deal of grief and sadness, but I am blessed by amazing parents who run my practices, while still allowing me to "motivate" the girls on my team with a few well placed shouts.  Running is out, and I am trying to appreciate what walking can do for my body.  I am starting  some water based exercise next week, and hoping yoga will also become a part of my regular routine.  Baby steps, really, since I still am oh-so-tired, nor completely pain free.  Life is different.

I am lucky - I have a great GP now, and a relatively quick referral to a specialist ( nothing to sneeze at in long wait time BC), and incredibly supportive circle of family, friends, church family, and colleagues.  That makes this all manageable - this is why I am inappropriately happy - and not miserable, at least most of the time.

 So a very Happy Easter to everyone - it is after all, a time for new life, renewal and hope.

And I will take that every time.

Winds of Change

So, I have been at a loss as to what to blog about over the past while.  I am not feeling overly trans-formative at the moment, although there are lots of changes happening in my life.

As you know from reading my blog, I have been struggling over the past while while with an assortment of aches and pains, and what I thought were overuse injuries from my run/strength training program.  Unfortunately, there is more to it than I initially thought, and for me that means some big adjustments ahead.

It started with joint pain and swelling - ankles, hips, knees - first one, than both sides of my body.  Must be too much training, I thought, so I dialed it back a bit, but the pain increased, and moved to my wrists and hands, as well.  Morning stiffness, of the kind that means it takes about an hour and a half just to get moving has joined the party, along with an almost overwhelming fatigue.  The "I feel like a brand new mom times about 10 000"  kind of fatigue.  On the plus side (not really, but I need a win) I have lost about 13 pounds over the last few weeks, with no exercise of any kind - for the first time in my life I can honestly say I am not hungry.  Now I know something is wrong.

It seems that I have developed some type of inflammatory arthritis, autoimmune in nature.  The initial thinking was reactive arthritis, perhaps in response to an infection.  Unfortunately, there is no infection we can identify, and it may be that we are looking at rheumatoid arthritis instead, or another of the over 100 types of arthritis that can impact any one of us at any time.  I admit - it is pretty overwhelming and scary.  I have lots of pain, and the tiredness has really sucked a lot of the fun out of life at the moment.  I have cut back on work, running is out of the question - even swimming one lap is out of reach at the moment.  Coaching softball is going to require a lot of help and support from my team and their parents - I can't hold or swing a bat properly right now.  I am trying to be patient while waiting to see a specialist and figure out what is going on.  I can feel the winds of change begin to blow.

It has meant some difficult changes.  I am not super great at taking it easy.  I miss running, and working out.  The simplest things exhaust me.  It sucks.  And yet I am deeply aware that there are so many things much worse that I could have to deal with.  Finding a balance daily is keeping me mindful - not such a bad thing.

So, for now, I don't have a lot of funny adventures from my workout and weight loss world.  That will return, when I am just a bit more settled, and know more about what this may mean long term.  I am certain it will work out, and that I will find a way to achieve my goals for my health - even if those goals may need just a bit of renovation.

Stay tuned.

Dig deep. . .

I am officially sidelined.  Grrrrr.  After a plague of minor and not so minor injuries ( sprains, strains, bursitis, plus some arthritis in my hips and knees), it seems that running may not be in my future - at least not the foreseeable future.  ( I am still holding out hope that it will be possible at some point - gotta keep the dream alive!)  I am also now on crutches, after my doctor lost it and told me that if I don't actually "rest and do nothing" I will be  a crippled old woman in a wheelchair at age 55.  Thanks Doc.  ( She may have been a wee bit annoyed at my lack of compliance!)  Needless to say, I am trying very hard to "rest and do nothing".

Crutches suck, by the way.

Despite my joking, I am pretty devastated.  It does seem that every time I get to a certain point in my fitness, something happens and I am back to square one, again.  For the billionth time.  I do not dig this.  Not quite sure what lesson it is that I am supposed to be learning from this, but it makes me pretty darn crabby.  I am not fun when I am crabby,  In fact, I am not fun to be around when I am crabby.  (Sorry family and friends.)

So once again I feel like I am at a crossroads in terms of this process.  Along with not being able to exercise at all ( not even old lady aqua aerobics - sorry to offend any aqua aerobics enthusiasts) until they figure out exactly what is going on, my eating has pretty much devolved into a sugar and saturated fat laced disaster.  Oh the predictability of these old patterns - just when I thought I had my sh*t together.  A friendly reminder from the universe that I still have a LOT of internal work still to do ( don't we all).

So now I need to regroup and come up with a new plan.  I am deeply grieving the fact that I won't be running my half marathon.  I cannot bring myself to completely let it go as a goal/dream, but it may be that I need to make some difficult decisions about running in the (hopefully not too near) future.  Honestly, I can't go there right now.  Astonishingly, the thought of giving up running brings me to tears - something I never in my entire life believed would be possible.  A sign of  some progress, I guess.

My new plan will likely include walking - and yes walking enthusiasts, I know you think it is amazing - I am not quite so enthusiastic - and possibly swimming.  No aqua aerobics. Ever. Seriously.  Yes, I am knocking it BEFORE I try it.  My doc suggested cycling when I get the green light to exercise.  I smiled politely, nodded my head, and thought about stabbing my eyes with a fork.  Cycling isn't really my thing (although Freddy Mercury almost had me convinced).  Obviously I have a little resistance to trying something new.  But i will get over that.  I have to.

As for the eating, I think it's time to put the pity party to bed and stop medicating myself with sugar and fat.  And mac and cheese.  And ice cream.  And potato chips.  Did I mention the sugar and fat?  time to refocus, and eat to improve my health and speed my healing.  Hello again, kale chips.

It is time to dig deep - to find the motivation I need to stay focused on my long term goal of  living a healthy life, even the when things go to hell.  I mean really, there are problems in the world a lot worse than me not being able to run a half marathon.  But I will need to dig deep within myself to stay focused and motivated over the next while.  And that is ok, because it is all part of the process - but no guarantees that I won't be a wee bit crabby along the way.  I am good, but not THAT good!

I have changed! Who knew?

So here I was thinking that I hadn't really done what I wanted this year, and that I hadn't really changed that much.  But I had a little revelation today - a non scale victory, if you like - a moment where I realized just how much I have changed in this, my year of transformation.

I went with Josh's class to Mt Doug Park this morning.  It was a great field trip - one of the best I have been on  - and believe me, I have been on a LOT of field trips over the years ( you do the math - 4 kids x a lot of school years = a bazillion field trips!).  We were learning about First Nations culture and how they utilized the land that is now Mt. Doug.  We had a great time hiking and learning and I licked a slug - but that is another story!  (I just had to share that special detail!)

Now it is true that I probably would not have licked a slug in the past - I am getting braver all the time - but that is not the change I noticed.  No, the thing I noticed was how easy the hike was, how manageable, how enjoyable.  I have always loved the outdoors, and going on little "explores" with my kids, but I never would have signed up for a field trip that was advertised as a "difficult hike".  I would have been too scared that I would embarrass my kids by not being able to keep up.  You know, the fat mom who is at the back of the pack, huffing and puffing.  I have ended up there once or twice, and it was not pretty, let me tell you.  Not to mention the sympathetic and slightly bitchy looks of concern from the yummy mummies who are 15 years younger and about 100 pounds lighter.  I absolutely hated feeling that I was an embarrassment to my kids.

Today, however, was different.  The hike wasn't really difficult.  But we did have to really hoof it in a few places, and even ran for a bit to catch up ( I was in the back with the stragglers!).  We climbed a few big hills and I didn't even huff or puff - and there were definitely a few moms ( and a dad!) who did!  It was actually a breeze - and most importantly - I felt completely comfortable in my skin.  I didn't worry that I wouldn't be able to keep up, or that I would be the fat, sweaty mom at the back.  I was one of the fittest parents there.

I know it shouldn't matter, but it felt good to be in that place today.  Comparisons with others are usually not a happy thing for me, so I try (unsuccessfully most of the time) to stay away from them.  I usually come up short (insert joke here!)compared to others, especially in the fitness arena.  But today I measured up, and it felt really, really good.  That is a change - a big change, a positive change, that tells me that I have really improved my fitness, and more importantly, my confidence.

Now that is a change worth celebrating - maybe I should lick another slug to mark the occasion!

Or not.

Run, Baby, Run

I am sick at home and feeling sorry for myself, which is probably NOT the best time to blog, but I have time and my computer so. . .

I am suffering from a case of half marathon blues.  Sadly, it is not because I ran the half marathon, which was my BHAG - big hairy audacious goal - but because I didn't.  Remember my bold announcement back in May?  Here is the link if you missed it:  Sticks and stones

Fresh off the glow of my 10k, the half seemed possible, easily within reach, actually.  It actually turned out to be the start of a B-I-G slide into injuries, poor eating and a ginormous pity party.  I hate when that happens.

Figuring out the long term strategies for staying with my workouts, runs and healthy eating is proving to be a rather large challenge.  Not insurmountable, but hard work.  Harder than I anticipated, perhaps that is why I have never gotten this far before.  Typically I give up after about 2 months - the longest was about 4 months, and God help me if I ever encounter any roadblocks - that is for sure a sign from the universe to give it all up.  As mentioned in previous posts - I am shockingly lazy at times, and always up for a good excuse. It's a talent I have.

I am nine months in and I still haven't given up.  That is a good thing.  I am finding ways to regroup, and pull myself out of the hole and keep going.  Apparently I AM learning how to do this, because that wouldn't have happened before.  I would have simply given up and ate myself up another 10 pounds.  Another good thing. ( I am starting to sound sound like Martha Stewart - but my good things are actually important!)

Sunday I ran (I use the term loosely - mostly a very S-L-O-W walk run thing that looks ridiculous but I actually don't give a crap) the 8km race instead of doing the half marathon.  I even got a medal:

I am proud of myself for doing the 8km - after all 8km is nothing to sneeze at and even though I was almost the last person in my age category, I still finished it.  I didn't just throw in the towel when I couldn't do the half.  And I am still working out with the amazing folks at BDHQ - I am getting stronger and healthier each day. 

This is the real transformation - not necessarily the one I was thinking about when I started this journey ( that was more like "I am going to look like Jillian Michaels - perhaps just a tad optimistic!).  I am so much more resilient, and able to bounce back, refocus and keep going.  Pretty good life skill, even if I have waited til I was 45  ( soon to be 46) to get it.

Yay me - those half marathon blues are not quite so blue, and I am rebuilding my confidence in my ability to carry through and actually change my SELF, not just my weight.

Oh and by the way - I signed up for the Victoria Goddess Run Half Marathon in June 2013.  Sounds like the perfect half marathon for me! ;)

Hell's Bells

So I have been feeling pretty unsuccessful lately - too much work, too much stress - too many not so fantastic choices.  I have been trying to get back on track, but basically spiraling into a grumpy "I suck" kinda space.  Not good.

Today I felt the beginning of a real turnaround - a "maybe I can actually sustain this for longer than I think moment" - all because of what I have privately ( ok, publicly!) referred to for the last 9 months as "Hell's Bell's" - aka kettlebells.

Don't know what I am talking about?  Let me enlighten you.  Kettlebells are a special kind of torture used by BDHQ ( and other) trainers to work your abs until they scream and your arms and shoulders til you can't lift them anymore.  (For more history than you probably want or need - check out http://www.kettlebellscience.com/kettlebell-history.html.)  They look like something the circus strongman would use - oh wait - they used to -I know I have seen that on Bugs Bunny cartoons!

 

 

I started the year with the pink kettlebell - it weighs 8kg/18 pounds.  I found it really challenging - who knew swinging and clean pressing ( I know, it even SOUNDS hardcore) only 18 pounds would be so hard.  My arms hurt, I tired easily, and it was work.  But I really hated using the pink.  It just seemed so, well, girly, which is dumb and also sexist, but hey, just keepin it real!   I  wanted to use the blue (12kg/26lbs) kettlebell, like some of the other women I had seen at the gym, ones who looked a hell of lot more fit than me.  Surely I could swing 26 pounds - it couldn't be that hard, right?

 

 

Wrong.  It took me about 6 months to even summon up the courage to TRY the blue bell.  It really was a LOT more work.  And I couldn't do it consistently - the last set of reps always ended up with me picking up those damn pink bells.  I was disappointed in myself, but I couldn't seem to get past that milestone.  I made it my goal to use the blue bell consistently, all the time, for all sets, by the end of the year. I figured I had a slight chance of doing that, and at least it wouldn't too disappointing if I didn't succeed.

 

Today I hit the gym, still feeling discouraged with my progress, with my commitment ( and how it has been faltering), and saw that kettlebells were a big part of the circuit.  James ( of West Coast Kettlebell Club fame!) my amazing trainer had pink and blue and yellow bells out to use.

 

In a moment of "screw this, I am going to prove myself today" also known as insanity, i picked up not the pink, and not the blue, but the yellow kettlebell.  After all, I could always drop down to the lighter weight if necessary.

 

But I surprised myself. And probably James.  And I know Lovisa will fall over when she reads this.  I used the yellow kettlebell for the entire circuit - every swing, every lift, every row.  3 sets of 20 and 30 and 20.  Me!  16kg!  35lbs!  The yellow bell!  Success!  Unbelievable.

 

 

It is amazing how good success feels.  And an important reminder to me about why I started this journey in the beginning.  It was never about a certain weight, although seeing the numbers go down is great.  One of my big goals was to build strength and feel strong.  Today I do - actually today I feel like this guy:

 



 

Not quite as buff, but a better fashion sense and a much happier face!  Thanks to James for encouraging me to feel and be strong, and for cheering me on and taking a pic of the event! 

 

I am SO done with pink.

 

Workout Ninja in the house!

Surprise!  Don't fall over as you read this - I really am back blogging again - thanks to a few gentle reminders from some faithful friends/readers.  thank you for your patience during my lapse - I am sure you are all just DYING to hear the latest on my adventures in health and fitness! ( well, maybe not. . . )

Summer has flown by, in a whirl of, well, little exercise ,sunshine and margaritas in Mexico, and a whole lot of not so healthy food choices and some very lovely Okanagan wines!  Staying with my program has proven to be a tough challenge with all of the temptations of summer, but I am happy to report that despite my wandering off the healthy path through July and August, I managed to stay within a few pounds of where I started. No progress to report, but no major damage.  I am choosing to see that as progress - and I dare anyone to tell me something different! ;)

I actually have been pretty frustrated with my lack of progress, despite the fact that the fault lies directly with me and the choices I have made.  Annoyingly enough, the scale doesn't seem to move unless I actually eat healthy and get off my ass:

So, I am eating healthy, and back at the gym, ready to thrill you with exciting news from my workout world.  Let's start with how much it hurts to get back to working out when you have been a slacker!

PAIN - thighs, arms, back, shoulders, butt, abs ( didn't even realize I actually had those!).  Everything pretty much hurts.  Curiously, I am very happy about this!  It is great to use those muscles again, and to realize that I actually have muscles - who knew?  I think I actually have begun to (gasp) LIKE working out! Shocking I know, and I like to complain about working out even more than the actual working out part ( It makes me feel hardcore!) - but still - I actually like working out.  Very cool, people, very cool.

Cool thing number two - I kicked a 20 year old guy's ass at the gym yesterday! 

 

 

Let's just say, it made my day.  Actually it made my week.  Possibly my year.  

 

I know it is mean, but it felt so good to be able to not just keep up, but surpass a young guy half my age, who I am pretty sure was thinking, "Oh God, I got the fat suburban housewife as a workout partner!"  Pretty sure he won't be thinking that next time. :)

 

A pretty good start, or should I say restart.  Thanks for sticking with me, despite my occasional lapses- the next few months are starting to look very interesting, since it appears that I am becoming a workout ninja after all!

 

Oh, by the way - I'm planning a Lululemon takeover in the near future, but let's just keep that between us, at least for now. ;)