Monday, April 22, 2013

Adjusting my sails.

It feels a bit like going to confession after a long while - "bless me it's been 3 weeks since my last blog post."

It has been a while, and my last post was not super positive, so I am really struggling with how to be both authentic to what is going on, as well as not being such a Debbie Downer that no one will ever want to read my blog again!  It is definitely not all doom and gloom, but things are different, and sometimes tough.

As you know from my last post, I am dealing with some kind of inflammatory arthritis - pretty sure that it is rheumatoid arthritis, but it needs to be confirmed by the rheumatologist (who I see in two weeks) .  I have to say the last few weeks have been a bit tough, as I get to know my limitations and look at balance and rest and activity in a brand new way.  Drugs help - and I am still somewhat inappropriately happy, as well as about 8 pounds heavier than I was a month ago ( thank you prednisone - NOT)
My sweet husband has been away on sabbatical in the middle east for the last 3 weeks - he comes home on Friday.  My awesome kids have been incredibly helpful, flexible and just plain fantastic.  It has been tiring, but overall I think we have done well - and yes I know there are amazing people who single parent all the time and my hat is off to each of you - I have always been in awe of how you do what you do.  For me, parenting alone, and adjusting to the limitations I have been experiencing lately, has been challenging and also an affirmation of my abilities as a parent - I do actually know what I am doing, and my kids didn't starve (a bonus since Mark does the cooking 90% of the time!).  Add that to the positive list!

On the not so positive list, I am having trouble adjusting to the limits that feeling as I do put on my life.  My pain is pretty well managed with the prednisone, as is the swelling, but my pesky feet and ankles don't really appreciate walking, climbing stairs or standing around coaching fastball.  The get cranky, and don't work as well as I would like.  I also get tired when I get too stressed or do too much - even when too much is very little.  This is really frustrating - even for someone like me who prefers to live life just this side of lazy.  It means I must be very aware of my energy levels, and adjust both my activity and my expectations based on that.

You can guess that I don't really like doing that.  I want to be able to maintain my somewhat crazy lifestyle - busy, full and chaotic.  I can't stand not being able to do what I want, when I want, just because my body is saying no.  But that is definitely the message - my body IS saying no, and like it or not I need to listen.  I can't actually ignore it this time.  That is the scary part, and it is the thing that is the hardest for me.  (For more on this - check out an awesome book When the Body Says No, by Gabor Matè.)

So I am adjusting.  It's a slow process, and it is a bit of a two steps forward, one step back kinda thing.  I will get there, I just need to remember to listen to my body and open my mind to a new way of doing - or more appropriately, a new way of being.  The winds are blowing - time to adjust the sails.


Juliann in WA said...

How are you holding up?

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