Saturday, December 1, 2012

Confessions from the scale - part 3 - (hello disappointment)

I've decided the whole public accountability thing sucks.  You may have noticed my glaring absence and general lack of enthusiasm over the past few months.  To say my enthusiasm has waned is putting it mildly.  I have completely lost momentum, and in the process of doing so, gained back 12 pounds.  Which makes me cry just acknowledging it publicly.  Which is frustrating because I made a deal with myself that I would shed no more tears about my weight - there has been more than enough of THAT over the years.

But I did promise myself that I would keep it real during this process, so I am.  I have gained back a quarter of what I had lost.  I am disappointed.  In myself, in my lack of commitment and follow through to the folks at BDHQ who have been so supportive. Disappointed in another in what seems at times like an endless stream of failures.  It sucks.  It sucks alot .  More frustrating is that I continue to sabotage myself despite good intentions ( and we all know where those lead us!!)

I admit to wallowing - in despair, in self pity, in large bowls of chips that seem like such a good idea at the time.  I am having trouble shaking it off, and an even harder time finding whatever it is that is in me that can help me out of this place.  As mentioned previously - this sucks alot.

I have the entire month of December off, due largely to a ridiculous amount of overtime accumulated since September ( hmmmm perhaps a correlation here???).  This fall has been well, "full" doesn't quite cover it.  Hard, difficult, busy, complex, exhilarating, confusing, wildly fun and exciting - you name it, I have ridden that roller coaster this fall.  And that has had an impact on my health, on my decision making and on my ability to see a way out of the downward spiral that has been happening for a while.

I am using a chunk of my time off for renewal.  And that means getting back on track with my eating healthy lifestyle and with exercising regularly, and reconnecting with friends and things that make me happy.  Like running, and scrapbooking, and drinking  no room americanos while reading trashy magazines about celebrities who are even more screwed up than me ( it really makes me feel better - admit it- it makes you feel better, too!)  I mean compared to Lindsay Lohan, I am freaking awesome!

So I will try to blog more, because frankly the public accountability is what has kept me from giving up altogether.  I feel like I have let my wonderful supporters down, and yet this has to be only about me. (There's a lesson in there somewhere!)

December is going to be a fresh start for me - maybe too little, too late, but I don't think so.  There is always time for new beginnings, and new directions, and new possibilities.  So I am going to jump on that train for a while, and see where it takes me.  I hope you will come along for the ride.


SusieJ said...

Oh, Jacquelin...I totally empathise and wish you luck with your new beginning.
It's not easy to get out of the downward spiral..
Sending (((hugs))) and happy thoughts,
Sue xx

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