Sunday, February 19, 2012

One month in. . .

I have officially completed my first full month of my BDHQ-Over!  Now that it is done - it seems to have gone by so quickly ( not my impression in the middle of a spin class, however - there I swear time moves backwards!!!)  We had our first month weigh in and measurements on this past Friday  - and you know how much I was looking forward to that!!

It's funny to me how many times I can say with a straight face that the numbers don't matter.  Because it is really a lie.  Yes, I know that they shouldn't matter, and that I am wonderful despite what the numbers say, but frankly a lifetime of being told by society, and myself, that the numbers DO matter means that is is just BS to say I don't care.  I do.  I really, really care.  I want that number to go down ( preferably at 100 times the rate it went up :)  )  Do I see that as the only way to value myself - thankfully I am learning that I don't have to do that.  But I am not there yet, and I would be lying to say that I am.  And I am pretty sure that many of you out there might be in the same place as me on this one.

So what happened Friday?  I showed up at the gym bright and early at 7am - which is actually later than the 5:45am start of earlier in the week.  ( I am beginning to see how this is actually sort of  a cult, or an incurable illness - I mean really - who gets up that early to sweat like a pig and breathe like I am dying, and endure a cheerful yet firm "just one more" from lovely trainers half my size?)

But I digress. . .

My fellow winners are there and we start our workout before the dreaded ( for me, at least) weigh in.  Lucky for us, the videographer is here to film us looking particularly attractive as we sweat and pant our way through a cardio tire workout.  I am seriously attractive when toting a huge tire over my head while performing squats - if you like sweat, anguish and stringy hair!  I had kind of forgotten the very public nature of winning this contest - which may seem funny since I am blogging it about it.  But there is something about being filmed while working out and weighing in that creates vulnerability - I mean what if I have GAINED weight - what is the reaction then???  Yikes - my capacity for creating worry and anxiety where it never existed before never ceases to amaze me.  At this moment of realization I get called over to step on the scale.

So many thoughts, worries and fears flooding my mind as I bend my head to check out the number - and a very loud WOOHOO when I see for myself that my hard work really is paying off. 

Almost 9 pounds since I started working out, and 20 pounds since January 1!  Holy Crap!  I almost can't believe it, and in that moment I am so relieved and happy that I DO believe that this transformation is really possible. Because there have been lots of days of doubts.  We continue to measure and I find that 11 inches have also found a new home somewhere NOT on my body - it is not just my imagination that my pants are getting baggy!  A little happy dance, a few high fives, and I am back to finishing my workout.  And the tire feels just a little bit lighter.

So - what have I learned?  I would love to say that I now no longer care about the numbers - because that is still BS.  But I have a new found sense of confidence in myself, and an increased ability to stay strong when the numbers aren't so happy, and an even stronger committment to continuing to eat healthy and get up at ungodly hours to sweat and burn and pant.  I am learning slowly that my capacity for making changes really is increasing - so maybe I CAN begin to let go of how much those numbers matter.

At least until next month.
( Just keepin' it real.)


Scrappin1 said...

Way to go Jacquelin. You are an amazing person!!

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