Emotional Eating (aka) OMG I just ate an entire package of cinnamon buns.

This week was hard.  Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically.  Up til now I have managed to negotiate the "bumps" along my transformation journey without too much trouble.  There have been some tough moments, but this week it seemed like it was all tough moments.  And that, my friends, can be a recipe for disaster when you are an emotional eater.  And guess who is an emotional eater??

For many, many years I have eaten whatever pain or loss or angry feeling has come my way.  No wonder I managed to eat myself up to almost 270 pounds.  ( I do believe that anger and sadness weigh much more than fat - I think I should get a research grant to see if this is true!)  I am not really good at dealing with my "difficult" feelings, and am pretty much an expert at hiding them under all these layers of chub.  But now I can't do that anymore - or at least I am trying to choose not to do that any more.  And that is really, really hard.

This week I wasn't very successful.  And it hurts to admit, to put it out there for all to judge. A tough day at work was solved with fish and chips (which made me feel so ill that I was wishing I would throw up and put myself out of my misery!).  Some feelings of sadness were dealt with by a KitKat bar  ( so sweet and artificial tasting that I actually could only eat 3/4 of it - thank heaven for small mercies).  Angry?  Just try several tasty kinds of breads/carb loaded pastries for a quick fix.  I seriously felt like a junkie - eating and then trying to hide and deny to myself that I am not a user ( when in fact I really am a hardcore user of food).  It told me alot about myself that I try not to hear.  I am still an emotional eater, and I need to own it, forgive myself and get on with the business of transforming these unhealthy habits.

I would like to say I am no longer in a funk, but it seems to be hanging on.  Today though, instead of some bad food choices, I chose instead to work out.  I am still craving something nice and white and carbohydrate-ish, but I am going to sing instead (the bass section of my chorus will thank me).  And even though I have screwed up royally this week, I am not going to give up on all the hard work I have put into this journey so far, and use it as the "reason" I cannot be successful.  Because I am always going to have tough days at work, hurts and disappointments, and I know that there are healthier ways of dealing with them that do not include eating myself into a happy little sugar coma.

So I am starting fresh - thank goodness I get a new day every day!  And I feel better already - just sharing the struggle. 

 So, just in case you were thinking I was perfect in every way, I am not.  And that's ok with me.

One month in. . .

I have officially completed my first full month of my BDHQ-Over!  Now that it is done - it seems to have gone by so quickly ( not my impression in the middle of a spin class, however - there I swear time moves backwards!!!)  We had our first month weigh in and measurements on this past Friday  - and you know how much I was looking forward to that!!

It's funny to me how many times I can say with a straight face that the numbers don't matter.  Because it is really a lie.  Yes, I know that they shouldn't matter, and that I am wonderful despite what the numbers say, but frankly a lifetime of being told by society, and myself, that the numbers DO matter means that is is just BS to say I don't care.  I do.  I really, really care.  I want that number to go down ( preferably at 100 times the rate it went up :)  )  Do I see that as the only way to value myself - thankfully I am learning that I don't have to do that.  But I am not there yet, and I would be lying to say that I am.  And I am pretty sure that many of you out there might be in the same place as me on this one.

So what happened Friday?  I showed up at the gym bright and early at 7am - which is actually later than the 5:45am start of earlier in the week.  ( I am beginning to see how this is actually sort of  a cult, or an incurable illness - I mean really - who gets up that early to sweat like a pig and breathe like I am dying, and endure a cheerful yet firm "just one more" from lovely trainers half my size?)

But I digress. . .

My fellow winners are there and we start our workout before the dreaded ( for me, at least) weigh in.  Lucky for us, the videographer is here to film us looking particularly attractive as we sweat and pant our way through a cardio tire workout.  I am seriously attractive when toting a huge tire over my head while performing squats - if you like sweat, anguish and stringy hair!  I had kind of forgotten the very public nature of winning this contest - which may seem funny since I am blogging it about it.  But there is something about being filmed while working out and weighing in that creates vulnerability - I mean what if I have GAINED weight - what is the reaction then???  Yikes - my capacity for creating worry and anxiety where it never existed before never ceases to amaze me.  At this moment of realization I get called over to step on the scale.

So many thoughts, worries and fears flooding my mind as I bend my head to check out the number - and a very loud WOOHOO when I see for myself that my hard work really is paying off. 

Almost 9 pounds since I started working out, and 20 pounds since January 1!  Holy Crap!  I almost can't believe it, and in that moment I am so relieved and happy that I DO believe that this transformation is really possible. Because there have been lots of days of doubts.  We continue to measure and I find that 11 inches have also found a new home somewhere NOT on my body - it is not just my imagination that my pants are getting baggy!  A little happy dance, a few high fives, and I am back to finishing my workout.  And the tire feels just a little bit lighter.

So - what have I learned?  I would love to say that I now no longer care about the numbers - because that is still BS.  But I have a new found sense of confidence in myself, and an increased ability to stay strong when the numbers aren't so happy, and an even stronger committment to continuing to eat healthy and get up at ungodly hours to sweat and burn and pant.  I am learning slowly that my capacity for making changes really is increasing - so maybe I CAN begin to let go of how much those numbers matter.

At least until next month.
( Just keepin' it real.)

Confessions from the Scale. . . part 1

Oh the scale!  A frenemy if I have ever had one.  Truthfully - I have a had a love/hate  ( more hate than love) relationship with my scale since I was about 15 years old.  Back then I had a beautiful fit body ( and at 130 pounds, no where near fat!), yet every morning I would weigh myself and then feverishly do the 20 Minute Workout if I had gained a pound.  Now THAT, my friends is what we call a disordered body image.  I have spent most of my adult life being ruled by the scale - my mood determined by what the number was, or was not.  And, as I have gotten heavier and heavier over the years, its become pretty damn depressing to step on it.

But its a new day, thank goodness, and I am determined NOT to be ruled by an annoying electronic beep telling me I am too much or not enough! At least that is my story and I am sticking to it.  Reality is a little more difficult, and as I get close to my first month weigh in at BDHQ ( coming this Friday), I have to admit to feeling that familiar feeling of worry at the thought of stepping on that scale and somehow not being good enough, based on a number.  My first few weeks of weight loss were impressive - they usually are, and now I am back to my "slow and steady wins the race" pace, which, frankly, is a pain in my increasingly fit gluteus maximus ( and please, no comments on the maximus!).  I just really have a hard time with the one or two pounds a week thing.

So today I decided to take a couple of photos to see if I can see any non scale progress since my jump into the wonderful world of fitness. Check it out:

No, the changes aren't huge, but they are changes nonetheless, and changes that may not be reflected on the scale when I step on it this Friday.  So today I am celebrating the progress I can see in these photos and feel in my heart and body.  And that is definitely better than getting on the scale and letting it rule my emotional life. 

So beep away, my frenemy the scale - I am SO not listening.